New blog.

My spiritual life has taken a heck of a
turn in the month of June, so much so
that I needed to create a new blog to
write about it.

If you care to read the address is:

http://jesuspractice.blogspot.com/

Thanks everyone who read about my
progress as "dharma brother".

May we all find our spiritual home!

-Pete-

Mission accomplished.

It's nice to be sitting back here at the main
branch of Philadelphia's Free Library, in one
piece, able to write this blog and do my
research in the Philosophy/Religion dept.

The air travel ordeal was manageable and
I used all my "jedi Mind tricks" to handle
various challenging situations like a cancelled
flight and the usual cranky toddlers that make
a variety of annoying and "cute " noises.

I can't say that I am now 100 percent comfortable
with air travel but certainly I can get on a plane
if I have to and go where I need to go, accepting
that things go wrong in all aspects of our lives
and absolute control of any issue is beyond us.

The area where my parents live is a prime vacation
spot on the North Carolina coast and thankfully was
not too crowded with tourists. I was able to have
tow nice walks along the beaches, forgetting though
that I burn easily and so now I am dealing with
sunburned back and shoulders.

As a recovering alchoholic I had it in mind to apologize
and/or explain some things to my parents. I had
not voyaged down to their area for a visit because
I simply could not drink as much as I wanted to
when at their house, a common problem for alchoholics
as we choose the "substance" over everything else.
We avoid situations were we have to confront difficulty
without the aid of our "bottle", and this is a nightmare
when just leaving the safety zone of alchohol just for
a few days even.

Some of this work got done, and I chose mindfully what
was really essential to talk about. We spent time
together looking at family photos, giving me some
insight into the psychological dynamic of my ancestors
and where my own mental health issues came from.

I looked at pictures of my paternal grandfather who
passed away 6 years before my birth. I had not seen
any of these before and alot of his facial expressions
resonated with me. Looking mindfully at all these
pictographic memories, a sober man confronting his
ancestors, was powerful. I did not have the words
though to tell my parents what I was seeing, as the
impressions came in my own internal language which
is not easily translated into english.

I found it valuable to finally spend time with
"mom and dad"as a sober, adult, person who had
the capability tosay things that were normally locked up.
No one in my family likes emotional displays and I
have found that feelings are not to be aired out constantly,
so I respected this and avoided discussion that may have
not brought any resolution. Considering that most
of my work in recovery is learning how to forgive myself,
and less about gaining that forgiveness from others, I
pay careful attention to the process of redemption.

In particular I have always been challenged by my
father's personality, his inability to "let go" and not
control the flow of events has been passed on to me. This
issue of insecurity is a dominant theme in my personal
dynamic, but it is mine and I cannot cast blame on my
father because the existence of insecurity is so pandemic.
I love my parents and I told them so as I was saying
goodbye at the security checkpoint., however love does
not make for simpatico relations or calm ,easy time
spent together among friends and family.

Now the summer is ahead of me and I have to make a
decision about whether to leave Philadelphia while
I still have financial means, or stay here and continue
the work I do with AA groups, and my Buddhist groups.

The idea of going back to work as a cook or retail manager
is not my favorite thing to contemplate either. These
are the practical issues in front of me, the maintenance
of food and shelter, and the healing of all the wounds in
my heart.

Looking south on Carolina beach...

Random Absurdities

On Saturday the 20th, at 1:45pm I will board
a "canadair regional jet", that will transport
my biomatter 650 miles or so south of Philadelphia
to Wilmington NC.

http://www.airwis.com/ac_crj.htm

I have travelled via airplane 30-40 times in
my 39 years, and each time was an exercise in
managing fears of violent death. I was forced
by my parents to get on an airplane 90 percent
of those times so I had to find a way through
superstition, magical thinking, prayer, and
making deals with my conception of God to
not go to pieces completely in the airport or
the aircraft itself.

Saturday I am going to the airport myself via
local public transportation, and for the first time
in 15 years navigating through the terminals,
check in counters and security checkpoints in post
911 America. I have a completely new worldview,
that of a sober man, a veteran mindfulness and
meditation practitioner to meet this challenge
with.

The reason for my visit to NC is to spend time with
my parents for a few days, important work in
my recovery tht cannot be put off. I told a friend
that I would rather die in an airplane crash than
not make the attempt at this part of my recovery
process.

In our absurd world, folks that are afraid to fly
sometimes die in airplane crashes, living saints also
are subject to violent death in transportation
accidents. Any kind of event can happen to anyone
and none of us should be surprised when the grim
reaper knocks on our skull.

However we can live morally and avoid certain
events and situations just by the sheer effort of
recreating our Karmic patterns. For example not
being stabbed by a broken bottle in a bar fight
because one has chosen to abstain from drinking
and barrooms.

I am handling my fears of violent death by simply
letting go of my life right NOW. In the present
moment which is attended to with the body.Mind
with as much force as can be mustered. Instead
of cowering before the grim reaper I give it the
finger.

I embrace absurdity because I have already embraced
insanity and that did not work. And thinking one
is going to choose their death, or have total control
over every aspect of life is INSANE.

Absurdity is the best word I can think of to define
this practice of learning how to live courageously
and accept the realities of human existence. The
Universe is mostly impersonal and has it's own
agenda that we are only a small part of. I don't
know what God's agenda is but I can bet that I
am not the number one item on God's "to do list".

The only thing in my Mind Saturday afternoon will
be the mantra," I don't know".

In case some random event like a falling piano
squashes me on the beach in Wilmington I just
want to thank everyone for supporting my blog
through comments and reading.

Shedding old skins.

Getting some space from those thoughts that
I have carried around for many years regarding
identity, and especially frustration related to
inferiority and feeling unworthy, being ashamed
of myself.

Being 39 and not having an acceptable visage
that conforms to our society's crushing standards
of success is a source of shame. At the same time
I can see this as ridiculous, but conditioning
is such that all that feedback we get from our
information sources is deeply imbedded. And
those sources are the media, the radio, the TV,
print, and deeper than that our family, friends,
peers, and even strangers throughout our lives.

I rage inside my Mind at these sources. I am furious
at this conditioning and it's hold on me. I resent
my humanity and how the Mind absorbs sensations
that create these habitual constructs that refuse
to be dislodged in favour of new constructs that
are conducive to liberation.

This is impatience directed at the process of dis-
mantling all this conditioning. I ask in prayer to
be washed clean of the past, to dwell in the present
because that is where I have found reality to be,
and the past is a barrier to sinking deeper into
the present moment.

Thankfully I have developed faith in moral action,
realizing that the past cannot be changed so if you
behave properly, in accordance with the moral code
you have chosen, your future is less beholden to
mistakes and thus liberation is more possible.

I am not at peace with my immaturity, which
itself is not a certainty but governed by what others
think. The feedback I get from society is that
I should have a better job, a house, a family, and
all those materialistic signs of success that comprise
the "american dream". The awful expectation that
has been dripped into our heads for out lives
and is really just a joke.

I know what I want.

I think about it all the time, and since I have been
practicing as a sober man this future I contemplate
is clearer and clearer.

A life of study, practice , and service. Study and practice
of meditative disciplines, study and practice of
prayer. Study of the world's wisdom traditions, in
particular those of Asia. Learning how to live
this knowledge completely in everyday life, and
in service being an example to others of how to be
liberated, and STAY liberated for the rest of their
lives.

That's just the best future I can dream up.

Total devotion to the contemplative life. Sacrifice of
one's base desires, the ever present Ego, to the path
of serving this deeper presence in the Mind, which
asks the practitioner to rigourously obey the heart
of Wisdom.

May I find value in this pathway, instead of the
one that has been imposed on me. May I rid myself
of the materialistic, profane, carnal desires that
could destroy our entire species for good someday.

May I find the teacher that can guide me towards
living this path fully.

whoami.whoami.whoami

Reading lately an awesome book my George Feuerstein
called, " The Deeper Meaning of Yoga". As we say in
Philly ," this guy knows his sh^%$t". He talks about
the many varieties of Yoga, beyond just "exercise"
or physical Yoga postures found in the "Hatha" form
which are most popular in our society.

In one of essays a fellow named Ramana Maharshi
is mentioned, apparently a respected early modern
age Yogin, considered to be enlightened by his peers
and general cultural environment. I was struck by
a simple teaching he had, which was to get his disciples
to just ask themselves,"who am I"?.

This practice has it's parallells in various kinds of
meditation, like Vipassana, or even shikin-taza, but
it never occured to me that I have been asking this
question to myself for as long as I can remember.

In school I was always told by some in nice or brutal
ways," you are not yourself", and 'be yourself", and
I remember much frustration in not really understanding
how to answer this question. Subconsciously I think
this frustration turned into action and for the past
two decades I have been asking and asking.

Perhaps I always knew and I could not handle the
possible answer, because it did not fit with who I
thought I was, or who I fantasized about being
according to what I thought was " good " or "bad".

Judging by the events of the past 2 years, since I have
really started to grow up, quickened by Yoga and
Buddhist practice, I am getting to understand just
what that question means to begin with, how to
answer it, and what the possibilities for identity
are.

Maharshi of course wanted his disciples to have God
Realization, and the question/mantra of ,"whoami"
was meant to focus the Mind on all facets of the
person's identity in it's totality. This is terrifying
when you actually start to get some idea of the
scope of the questioning process.

I am afraid of getting to close to God, because the"I"
will be burned up and something brand new and
scary will remain in it's place. I am afraid of what
other people will think, I am afraid of the future
that this process if inquiry will unveil.

I am afraid of "me"....I know what is inside "my"
Mind, and just how powerful it is. Thankfully I
have tools and methods to handle fear, and the
great teacher Siddhartha has given those things
freely to mankind.

May all beings learn to handle their own Minds
and gain the peace that is promised by so many
teachers in so many different global traditions.

Dear God.

This letter has been bouncing around my head
for a while and I needed to write it , even though
you really don't like exhibitionism, and prefer that
your relationship with your children is kept quiet.

Or maybe you don't care about how sentient beings
regard you and are puzzled as to why we project
so much of our conditioned, neurotic selves onto
you like masks. I do my best to see beyond my
childish needs and not assume that my cravings
matter to you at all.

Since I was a child and I began the process of
understanding you I have primarily asked for my
own needs to be met, not getting the point that
I need to let go, let time unfold and the larger
questions don't matter.

15-20 years ago you put the story of Siddhartha
Guatama into my line of sight and a variety of
other traditions just so I would learn what our
relationship was all about. Historically I have
ignored our ongoing dialogue so its a miracle that
I payed attention to your advice and began
looking at all the possibilities available for liberation.

It must be frustrating to watch us flail and struggle
like fish washed up on a beach, not able to calm down
and concentrate on what needs to be done. I know
I have been frustrated and thankfully I have learned
a thing or two about concentration and focusing,so
now we are getting down to business you and I!.

You have put all these people,places, and things,
situations, and events in front of me so I would get
a clue and wake up. Most of the time I responded
with fear and aversion, which turned into resentment
for you and the Universe.

Sometimes I got real furious and thought you were
a terrible Being, really awful and vicious, so I turned
away from you and denied your presence in my heart.
I know that is ridiculous but we humans carry stuff
around that we don't realize we are carrying....and
that includes you!

Siddhartha had a story about this, the man who forgets
he has a diamond sewn into his clothing and walks
around in an ignorant state for decades before finally
discovering this diamond by accident.

The Buddha is the one teacher in all of history that
I really identify with. I have heard about all of those
beings in the last 5,000-7,000 years or so that followed
your Way, they are my heroes and I have wanted to
be like them for a long time. I am thankful for that,
though I appear to be ungrateful.

I apologize, and seek not only your forgiveness, but
the ability to accept forgiveness from other people
that I have caused suffering to, and forgive myself
for those actions that I performed on people that
are just gone, either passed from this world or my
life.

In your infinite compassion, my sins are really not
that uncommon, but this game we play together has
rules and so you wisely ask me to work for my redemption
and so far I find benefit in this game.

I don't blame you for suffering, because we are arising
out of a world that is conditioned by that factor, and
so when "bad things " happen some of us have the
grace to see the "suchness" of those things that we
call evil.

You have asked me to play a certain role in this game,
and all its billions of players, that of the Renunciant,
the Wiseman, the Teacher, the Monastic. You ask me
to study, meditate, and pray. Contemplating in every
moment your presence in the world, among all its
factors and characteristics. I like this role and I don't
carry much resistance about it.

I have been complaining for years about having no
direction and thankfully you told me to be quiet,
through the practice of Mindfulness, and start paying
attention. This led to sobriety and renunciation from
toxic subtances that blinded me instead of opening
my eyes.

You told me to stop grabbing at your coattails like
a needy child and start walking by myself and trusting
our relationship, and at the same time never accepting
another person's definition of your nature, always
using Mindfulness to know your Being, and seeing
the Universe as it was, or atleast trying to with the
"Dharma eye".

I promise to surrender further to your will as I have
understood it through meditation, and I suspect I have
no choice in the matter and I am falling towards you like
an astroid falls into the Sun.

Not so cloudy.

I have to clarify that my "struggle" is not so
new, as much as I want to conquer new frontiers
in spiritual life all I am really practicing is
Bhakti Yoga, "Union with the Divine through
Devotion".

The ego, the false self really likes to take hold
of my practice and maintain its power, and
thus I show up with some confusion. Yesterday
after writing the previous post I had the
intuition that I was just "pissing into a deep lake".

The future of spirituality is really exciting, and
I am a bit stoked by the possibilities of abandoning
all these old forms and distilling everything down
to its essential abstract nature.

I am grateful for this bit of "free" Mind that can
see the practice this way.

Not so free though that I just turn to mush.

Path beyond "the path".

Sensing the arising of new spaces in my consciousness,
and seeds put down in the Mind's ground years ago
are flourishing. God is still there and despite my
efforts to deny It, the presence remains.

Seeing through the Dharma as an object to discard, a
framework to be dismantled before it becomes a
trap, or a tomb for the vital spirit that really cannot
be contained at all.

I am grateful to be still in contact with the Absolute,
and that this force still works with me. I am shamed
to admit that I feel unworthy of this relationship.

This week I have been reading the Bhagavad Gita
for the first time, first in silence, using the Mind's
voice, and then outloud, reading the dialogue attributed
to Krishna.

This text has changed my spiritual practice, ironically
after coming back from the Monastery, so worked
up about ordaining. Now I see the Buddhadharma
as a vehicle for the Absolute. Not as a system that
is the pinnacle of my spiritual life, but as a gateway
to something even deeper and indicative of total
immersion in the "Way".

At the same time keeping my head on it's shoulders,
using the modes of perception and thinking I have
learned through Buddhist practice see intuitively
the nature of any given object. With the Dharma
eye the Gita can be viewed as just one word in a
massive set of words among world scriptures.

The experience of God I sense is available to us is
not found in reading, or any concepts or symbols that
we use to quantify our reality. The practice of
Mindful attention, Yonisaro Manisikara, the "wise
attention" that the practitioner cultivates which allows
the "true sight".

I am not even sure I can really call myself,"Buddhist"
anymore. Perhaps this is just a convenient term
so others can relate to me, so they can know where
I stand.

I am a human male, born in the 20th century, in a certain
kind of society that is highly materialistic and seems
to be headed towards a downfall, a "dark age" which it
is not really prepared for. I have studied and practiced
Christianity, as well as the "Way" from the Asian masters.
I know of every wisdom tradition ever practiced in history.,
and none of them will satisfy me or lead to lasting union
with the Absolute that I know to be possible.

I may have to create my own tradition, and certainly
I have spent some time thinking about this, what are the
consequences of going beyond every known religious
landmark? If Buddhism has a pinnacle, then I am standing
there, trying to fashion a ladder that leads upwards into
a void. I am ready to climb as far as I can, not looking
down to the ,"old forms", that have brought me to that
point.

Forgive all the metaphors, but I needed to put my thoughts
in some kind of framework. This process is a bit frightening,
finding the willingness to abandon everything I know
for a kind of ordainment that no living master can give
to me.

Who ordained Siddhartha?

Reconnecting.

Yesterday my higher power called me to stop in
and say hello at the "Men's Group" AA meeting that
I used to go to every Thursday here in Philly for
about 4 months. It was an impulse that I think was
grounded in sensing, "unfinished business" with
AA and that group in particular.

I had to think about the last time I attended a
meeting there and someone was talking about an
issue they had about 7 months ago I remembered
hearing about the issue about that time, and then
that week telling my sponsor from that group that
I did not think he was appropriate for me to work
with considering my Dharma practice.

Lots of the same guys are still going to this meeting,
and it looks like guys who have been going for years
came back, and of course the newcomers who are
barely sober. One guy who I talked with pretty
frequently had picked up this week, and apparently
the week before and had only a half day sober. I
think he has an issue with steps 2 and 3, accepting
that a spiritual practice is essential to recovery,
and "living sober" instead of just "staying sober".

I had this same issue with my sponsor, feeling like
he was trying to push a Christian conception of God
onto me and not supporting my practice in the Dharma,
not wanting me to continue with my Sangha and use
that time for AA meetings. I saw him also at the
meeting and he did not really get in my face, and
seemed to accept that I was indeed sober and "doing
good"., which is a codeword for;" I am not picking up
a drink".

I managed to get my chance to share, and also tell
the group that coincidently today is my 14 month
anniversary, which of course gets a round of applause.
I told the group in my sharing that I had been in exile
from the AA meeting circuit in downtown Philly because
I had a problem with merging my work in AA with
my Dharma practice. So I simply concentrated on
studying and practicing Dharma, making a choice of
sorts between two polarities. I closed my sharing with
the expression of the need for me to begin working
in AA again, especially being ready for step 12, which
is to bring the message of recovery to another suffering
addict.

A couple of guys came up to me after the meeting and
related how they practiced Buddhist meditation in
one form or another and how I might be able to reconcile
Dharma with steps 2 and 3...that was helpful, but I
think they misunderstood that I was coming back to
meetings because I HAD found a way in my heart to
practice the steps as a Buddhist....Folks in AA really
like to talk and put their 2 cents in, and I like action,
not talk.

For me AA is tricky, and surrendering completely is
not in my interests, but I might still be able to work
among it's practitioners without compomising what
I have understood as my spiritual path. The tricky
part is navigating some of the personalities who exist in
AA with an agenda to manipulate and control others,
and they do this as a replacement to their addiction,
getting off on the "charge" of their version of sponsorship.

Thankfully there are those who I can use as a measuring
stick, and rely on their counsel. So the program is not a
total loss to me, and has benefit.

Staying at Thay's Dharma village.

Truly it was "Thay's village" because Thich Nhat Hanh
and his teachings permeate every facet of being in
these two hamlets , one for Monks, one for Nuns,
in Pine Bush NY. In no time after I arrrived I began
to practice mindfully at a level that I had not expected,
the power of this teaching being so present that it
created a cloud of "interbeing" in the area.

I was fortunate to have had a good journey by bus
to the monastery, and two Monks, Brother's Phap
Nguyen, and Phap Dong picked me up at the station,
and I got to hangout with them for an hour or so as
we did errands in town. I was careful not too talk much
but on the car ride up to Blue Cliff I was able to talk
about my practice and hear about the process of
ordaining in their tradition.

About 3o other retreatants were in residence, and it
was an honor for me to be housed in the small hut
that Thich Nhat Hanh uses when he lives there. In the
basement were 4 beds and a bathroom, with nice big
windows looking out into the forest. Above that were
the quarters for visiting monks. Right next to us
was the Monk's meditation hall, a high school gym
sized structure that was acoustically engineered
so that all the surrounding nature sounds echoed
nicely in the hall.

The monastics at Blue Cliff used an amplification system
none the less so everyone could hear the talks
and guided meditations. I found that interesting when
one of the Sisters gave an hourlong relaxation meditation
in a soft voice through the speakers, ringing the great
floor bell. It was hypnotic and effected me on a deep
level, further amping up my practice for the days I was
residing.

We ate well, simple and nutritious food in one of two
dining halls, and alot of the practice was here, as
mindful eating, as well as mindful action, was the
emphasis of the retreat, rather than long meditation
sessions. One night we had a beautiful formal meal
where we took our food bowls and filed in to the
Nun's meditation hall, sitting in formal rows and
eating very slowly, using the action as a vehicle for
prayer.

Around the property were a few miles of walking
trails and each day we had walking meditation, and
on top of that each morning after sitting meditation
I managed to get into the woods and have solitude.

Sitting meditation was intense, being just after dawn
at 5:30am each morning. The cushions were of the
best quality so I was able to have little or no pain
or "sleepy" legs for the 45 minutes of sitting. The
last morning I did two 45 minute sessions, having
the hall to myself for that time as Monday is a "lazy
day" for retreatants, (I think the Monastics
did their own practice in the living quarters).

To have the whole hall to myself was really wonderful
and I recited my refuge vows quietly to myself in front
of the main altar, but to the side as the Abbot is the
only one allowed to sit front and center. I also did
a practice called "touching the earth" which is the
prostrations moving from standing to full kneeling
with head on the floor.

The whole time I knew that I could live that way for
the rest of my life, even with the difficulties.

On the way to the bus station I once again had a
chance to really speak with the Monks, including the Abbot,
about the process of taking full refuge, taking the
novice vows.

I am not sure if I will ordain in the Vietnamese Zen tradition,
that understanding will take time, and I was counseled
by the Monks to study/practice as I am doing now.

I was able to learn the 1o novice precepts from Thay's
"Stepping into Freedom" a guide he wrote for novice
Monks, and though I have not been given these precepts
formally I can practice them, harmonizing my life
with the mode they present as leading to moral purity.

Pictures from Blue Cliff Monastery.

Taking the plunge.

Here is the daily schedule for my retreat this weekend:

http://www.bluecliffmonastery.org/html_files/visit/visiting.htm

May I return from this 4 day adventure into the wilds of
the Hudson River valley in good health and carrying
a deeper practice.

"Second hand" Dharma.

The other night I was following a line of thought
after reading some of the Digha Nikaya. Coming
from doubting Mind, questioning whether or not
the 2500 hundred year old lineage of practitioners
has been true to the Dharma, and how much
distortion of Siddartha's teachings has occurred
over that time period.

It was a bit startling, the thought that we are all
being conned by contemporary teachers, and they
have been conned by their teachers, and so on
and so on back to the original disciples who carried
the Dharma out of the Buddha's Mind through
transmission.

I did not think it was heretical or disrespectful of
the lineage, because after all we are asked to verify
through questioning all the teachings. The practice
itself is investigation, Mindfully so, of all the various
phenomena that is apparent to us through the senses.

Another thought is that the vehicle itself, the "path"
is disposable. We all know the ideal of the "raft" being
abandoned when the other shore is reached. I had some
anxiety related to "identity clinging" that someday
I would naturally stop calling myself a Buddhist, a
practioner of the Way, a "Dharma brother" because
those labels would just be obstacles to the final
extinguishing of suffering.

That is really fascinating, because I have not enountered
in all my studies of world traditions, any kind of "path"
that can be treated in this fashion. The practice of
letting go is itself "let go of" at a certain point.

I think some of these thoughts also had their origin
in this weekends reading of John Daido Loori's compendium
of Zen teachings on Shikantaza," The Art of Just Sitting".
It appears that Zen is such a fine distillation of Dharma
that the veteran practitioner is really no longer practicing
anything, and the "raft" has been SUNK.

Then I wondered if Zen Buddhism itself as an institution
can be distilled into a form that is beyond any possibility
of crystalizing. Pure practices that resemble the upper
reaches of Mahamudra or Dzogchen, which themselves
are vehicles to be abandoned when "used up".

I think Krishnamurti was alluding to this. A constant
possession of inquiry, so every second is a challenge
to our perceptions of reality. Our conceptual framework
is constantly subjected to withering appraisal. Not
judging, not evaluating according to the afflictive
conditioning Mind, but the true "Dharma eye",
the "diamond thunder bolt cutter" that shreds
assumptions and allows the heart to remain open and
really be Compassionate.

I suppose I will see better the nature of these questions
as I get through more of the Nikayas, which thankfully
are available to me here at the library. I want to
see what Siddartha was really talking about, rather
than what I am usually getting through second hand
sources. Those sources are well meaning, arising from
strong practioners of Dharma, but they are still "second
hand".

Pictures from a SE Asian Buddhist temple, 6th and Ritner, South Philadelphia.

Wandering Eyes.

A thought has occured to me that I could just
leave Philadelphia. I have been here about 20
years and I am not sure what more there is
for me to do here.

It would not be a tragedy if I stayed here, doing
what I am doing. I have circumnavigated the
globe and seen a decent part of the U.S., but
since I got sober I have noticed feelings of
wanting to be a wanderer.

I daydream about taking one bag, and whatever
money I have later on this summer and just
leaving. I don't have anything valuable to leave
behind in terms of possessions. I can give alot,
as I have already done, to the local thrift store.

I can give my artwork away, there is not much,
only 30 paintings or so. It's feasible to just narrow
down everything to one bag.

The Buddha taught his monks to rely on just 4 things
to sustain the body; Food ,Shelter, Clothing, and
Medicines. Contemplating this with the Dharma
eye, and not just believing because the Buddha said
it, I know this teaching to be true.

The reality is I need a bit more than that at this
stage in my life. I have never done any independent
travelling, either, so I don't know how I would hold up.

My daydream is just getting on a bus, and going from
city to city across the country, heading West to areas
that I know have concentrations of Dharma folks
and Buddhist centers, basically California, where
I hear Dharma folk are a dime a dozen.

Philly has a fair amount going on in terms of groups
to practice with, but I want more.

My perceptions might be clouded on this issue, thinking
the west coast is some kind of promised land for Buddhists.
If I really wanted to live in a Buddhist nation I would
move to Thailand right?

A strong part of my personality, an archetype so to speak,
is "the explorer". This dynamic is craving adventure.
It's a calling to see what travel, matched with austerity,
can be for me.

This impulse atleast is causing me to examine everything
in my apartment for it's current relevance to my practice.
The other day I threw out maybe 10 pounds, 6 small
garbage bags full of old documents, mail, and various
papers that I had collected for 4 years that were totally
useless. I kept maybe 3 percent of the original total
that I thought might be important.

Obviously it was liberating. Its not a new practice for
me and in the next month I hope to whittle down all
the objects in my apartment to the bare minimum. Just
for the sake of clarity, even if I stay another year, getting
a kitchen job, and continuing on with my present
mode of practice and study.

I have detected an even deeper personality archetype,
" the homeless , wandering mendicant". That part
of my being just wants to wander around permanently,
free of the householder life, free of even attachment
to a monastic center. This possibility is a bit scary
but it nonetheless captivates my attention.

I am reminded of the dangers of this kind of romantic
idealism. What kind of future can I really create for
myself that is "just right".?

One Light

Austerity is becoming a way of life.

As I understand it, a process of renunciation happening
in the bodyMind. Looking with the Dharma eye, as if it
is an actual object, an instrument of perception that
nothing is hidden from.

Nothing belongs to me, so why would I cry when it breaks
down, fades away, or perishes?

Austerity is fueled by this dissatisfaction with the Samsaric
patterns. Birth and Death, Aging and Disease, everyone I
see is subject to these actualities. I renounce those things
that are fleeting because they are not mine.

I eat enough to keep the body healthy, sufficiently energized
to practice BuddhiYoga, its postures, sitting and walking,
standing, lying down. It's ethical component, it's practices
of Wisdom.

The body is fashioned into a temple, and what is toxic is
eradicated, not permitted to enter. This ideal is a process,
as I do not guard my senses enough, allowing the Mind
to be distracted by lesser entertainments.

The momentum of Austerity and Purity is strong, and
those words resonate within me as a guideposts on the
path. I first saw them together as part of a method in the
"Niyamas", the 2nd component of the Yogic 8 fold path
which is "Ashtanga".

I want everyone to live this way but I am not naive enough
to believe in this a reality. Still I imagine what it would
be like if a majority of the population turned away from
materialism, and adopted a serious practice of their religion.

Careful not to judge, I accept other human beings as much
as is within my power. This years compassion and loving
kindness, sympathetic joy, and equanamity are hopefully
expanded , intensified through adjusting the Mind's inclinations.

Next year I see more light in the eyes of the afflicted, more
potential for the suffering to turn the other way and begin
the process of renunciation.

I study the teachings of masters from other traditions and
the Sanatana Dharma, the "eternal law" , is there , just
hidden behind culture and dogma. History attempts to
weigh down the truth but as the Buddha says,'"Nothing
will be hidden for long".

I read the Gospel of Thomas a few days ago and I was astonished
by the allusions to non-duality and the unified reality behind
our artificial, conditioned one.

Austerity and Purity are the same for the Shamans of 20,000
years ago, the first prophets and teachers of the all ancient
civilizations, and those who practice these traditions in the
modern age.

All reflections of one light.

I could be tempted to really amp up my practice, and chase this
"sun" around the Earth. But I am counseled to practice patience
and let the process unfold, this new story I have been creating
for the past 2 years demands a certain kind of growth, in
tandem with the natural cycles of our Universe. The "eternal
law' is in harmony with our natural world, and cannot be
subordinated to our desires or wishes based on materialistic
thinking.

May I follow well the footsteps of countless brothers and sisters
who have opened their hearts wide to this Sanatana Dharma,
this vital principle that has been discovered and brought out of
it's hiding place., cultivated and kept precious.

A wonderful life.

Being out of work for 2 weeks I have settled into
an new lifestyle that I am really enjoying, though
it is not perfect.

I spend my time reading, walking to the library,
looking at some books at the library, painting,
playing my keyboard, noodling on the guitar,
writing in my journal, walking around the city
visiting spots that I find enjoyable, and maybe
even a little challenging. And above all I stretch
out my Yoga and meditation in the mornings,
allowing this practice as much space as it needs,
because after all, there is" nowhere to go, no one
to be".

I have also been eating vegetarian for about 2 weeks,
which I have done in the past and now seems
appropriate, easy to do, and some definitive comments
will come later as I can get some idea about whether
I am healthier or not.

May I...

May I continue to experience good health in order
to practice the Buddhayana.

May I appreciate that I am fortunate to have been
born a human, to have heard the Dharma, and to
have the mental faculties to practice it.

May I understand Compassion and Wisdom as a
realization within the heart.

May I penetrate the 12 link chain of Dependent Origination
and see through to the truth of suffering.

May I realize within the heart the cause of suffering
and all it's permutations.

May I have faith that suffering can be extinquished and
that the 8 fold path is the Way out of suffering.

May I develop knowledge of the Sattipatthana's in order
to investigate totally the MindBody complex.

May I practice in particular the 4th Sattipatthana and
it's 5 stages of knowing the Hindrances, the 5 Aggregates,
the Sense bases and their objects, the 7 Awakening factors,
and the 4 Noble truths.

May I practice the Brahmavihiras, Loving Kindness,
Compassion, Sympathetic Joy, and Equanamity without
having to generate them artificially but enjoying them
as natural mindstates.

May I practice the 10 perfections of Giving, Ethics, Patience,
Wisdom, Concentration, Resolution, Truthfullness, Love,
Renunciation and Equanamity.

May I practice the 7 spiritual strengths of Moral Awareness,
Mindfulness of Karmic Consequences, Faith, Effort, Mindfulness,
Concentration and Wisdom.

May I practice the 5 precepts of the lay monk with total
awareness, and balanced effort.

May I be free of the Hindrances of Sensory Desire, Ill will,
Sloth and Torper, Agitation and Remorse, and Doubt.

May I practice Samatha Bhavana without the distractions
caused by worldly phenomena.

May I understand the Buddhist world in it's entirety in
terms of Culture and History.

May I be at peace.

May I be free from suffering.

May all beings benefit from the Buddhayana.

The Dharma is perfect, the disciple is imperfect.

While the title of this blog is a bold statement it quantifies
my feelings considering what happened Monday 4.20.09
and how it relates to my practice.

In earlier posts I talked about how I had difficulty practicing
the Buddhadharma at work. The sheer effort of remembering
the precepts and basic mindfulness of my thoughts and
feelings was exhausting. The environment of the kitchen
was not so much stressful in terms of actual functions and
activities but with other people.

I am not a "people person" and I don't try to be. Introversion
is the tone of my character and I accept that. I have always
had difficulty with people who could not accept the quiet
and thoughtful folks like me, the extroverted ones who have
to have a good time all the time and anyone who isn't like
that has to be changed.

I don't want to change the "party people' but they certainly
want to change me.

In the kitchen that I was employed in for 9 months I worked
with a woman who I will call," D", who in my opinion fit the
extroverted personality type. She talked alot, she sang to the
radio station at loud volumes constantly, and she insisted
that her radio station be tuned in when she was present in
the kitchen. From the first day I worked with this woman
I found her challenging, and to put it rudely, an annoying
person who was a living hell for a guy like me who just wanted
to do his job in peace and be left alone.

I used the Buddhadharma as best I could, seeing the nature
of the situation , it's impermanence, it's ups and downs, it's
cycles that worked in my favor and most of the time did not.
I attempted to see my co-worker with the wisdom eye, through
the viewpoint of the 1st fold of the 8 fold path, "right view".

It just did not "kick in". The woman was just so challenging
that I just gave up the idea of ever learning to cope with
her, and just resigned myself to what the situation was. In
that way I actually coped, but not skillfully because my
internal dialogue in regards to her was nasty and hateful. I
am not proud of those thoughts, which were just plain
ugly and tarnished my good nature.

The only people I could talk to about this were certain co-workers
who were equally challenged and irritated on various levels
by "D". I could not talk to the owner as he really dismissed
everything I said as "crazy talk".

So in the past 2 months my patient endurance was tested further
by the entrance of "P", a young , energetic lad who had worked
there before and now was coming back, and for the most part
I got along with him, but I sensed immediately that he wanted
to be the head chef because of various comments he made
about the actual Chef,"W". I really liked working for "W" and
I was really upset when I began to see that he was going to be
fired because young "P" was making moves to take over.

"P" and "D" did not get along but then became best buddies,
and really let management and the owner know everything they
thought "W" was doing wrong, which was clearly a conscious
desire on their part to "get W fired!!!". It was so obvious and
last week I confronted both "P" and "D" as to why they could
not say to "W's" face what they thought of him, why the backstabbing
and undermining?

It was awful it it made me sick, and by me saying "you guys are
dirty two faced backstabbers" that sealed my fate and they
would turn on me to. Eventually they would get the owner to
fire me so I saw what the future entailed, I finished my shift
and told the owner that I had enough.

This whole story is complicated, but the essentials are there. I
just did not have what it took to deepen my practice in the face
of adversity. I could not work another day in close quarters
with "P" and "D" I was hoping to stick around and save more
money but I can only inhale the stink of corruption for so long.

I got my last paycheck today without the drama I was anticipating
and I don't have to set foot in that place again, I have the
summer ahead of me before I run out of money, and I can work
on my paintings, my Dharma study, and my practice. I am not
foolish enough though to think I will have total peace because
this is Philadelphia after all, and all the small, petty irritations
build up, creating tension in the Mind no matter how focused
and immersed in the "dharma stream" a person is.

Arahant painting

Acrylic and synthetic ink.

Two steps forward, One step back.

Yesterday at work I did not honor the
precept of "right speech" and really said
some things to co-workers that I could
have kept to myself.

Anger boiled over, and it manifested in
words before I could catch them, "hot
coals that I picked up, that burned my
hand, before they hurt anyone they were
thrown at".

In saying this the Buddha was clear in the
ways afflictive emotions damage practice.

Attempting to stay neutral in a group
of persons that work together 30 plus
hours a week is never free from tension
or difficulty. Most of the times things go
smoothly enough, and for a kitchen this
is not the norm.

I learned the hard way to keep my mouth
shut, becoming the target of false speech
and generating it in varying amounts. Knowing
it's consequences and avoiding it because
even a dummy like me can get the message
after seeing enough suffering caused by actions
that were not skillful.

So I practice and concentrate in this kitchen,
always navigating the clouds of hot air and
not getting involved. But I work there, and
I do get involved whether I like it or not.

So yesterdays words will have consequences
that mean I will just not say anything unless
it has to do with the tasks at hand, and it will
be awkward depending on who is working
that day. Certain people now have nothing to
say to me so it won't be hard.

People will just do their work until the inevitable
change of situations creates the possibility for
communication.

I refuse to be afraid of losing my job, even in
this economy, because that fear is poisonous
and inhibits the practice. Good workers get laid
off for a variety of reasons, even outright fired
because they suddenly do not match the goals
of the organization.

I do simple work, prepping foodstuffs to be used
later when the kitchen is too busy to get involved
with time consuming tasks. For the most part I
know what I am doing and can talk to certain
people that I am not "simpatico" with about those
tasks when needed.

No problem.

Lion.

This statue protects a house near my neighborhood.

Flyin.

This summer in June I am going to the North Carolina
coast to hang out with my parental units.

I have not been on a plane for about 12 years.

I am flying on this snazzy contraption:

http://www.airwis.com/ac_crj.htm

I am looking forward to seeing the night sky
which I recall was amazing from the beach, over
the sea without light pollution.

In Philly we have a few nights with a fair number
of stars, but usually the kind of dome you see
in wide pan shots from the film "Logan's Run"

It can really feel like living under a red-green
dome sometimes in this city and I wonder how
the citizens would react if they had access to
a relatively full view of the local Universe.

Dhammapada 183

" To abstain from doing evil deeds.

To only cultivate good actions.

To purify the Mind.

These are the teachings of the Buddha(s)."


This passage from the collection of Buddha's
sayings has been in my Mind, one reason being
that I memorized it upon reading it, and the
second reason holding a piece of Dharma in the
Mind to act as an antidote to the hindrance
of Doubt.

Verse 183 acts as a condensation of the Dharma
expressing the 8 fold path, the precepts, and
in terms of "purifying the Mind" the practice of
mindfulness of the hindrances as they arise in
daily life.

I can get confused as to why the practice of Buddha-
Dharma is important, especially when the bodymind
is fatigued and crankiness rules the roost.

This verse has been helpful, as well as the famous
saying from the Sutras on impermanence:

" A star at Dawn, a bubble on a stream
A flash of lightning in a summer cloud
A flickering lamp, a phantom, a dream
Such is the fleeting nature of reality".

Not so much prayers, but focus points.

I look forward to memorizing more of the Dhamma-
pada, as well as other pieces of the Sutras to
further internalize the teachings.

Where the "magic" happens.

Yay !

Finally I got a cell phone that sends pictures to my email address so I can

start collecting and sharing them. This photo is at 6:18 am ET, taken

from my window overlooking the Delaware river in Philly.

Up and Down Thoughts.

Fascinating how impermanence manifests in the
cycles of our activity.

I still prepare for ordination. living as monastically
as possible.

Yet my artwork is starting to blossom, all those
years of thinking about pictures in my head, though
not really making anything, has resulted in some
decent paintings.

So I am attached to that practice, not wanting to leave
it behind for full ordination, and existence in a
monastic community where the needs of the group
outweigh individual desires.

If I had a chance to join a monastic community tommorrow,
having all my secular affairs resolved magically I would
not do it. Which tells me I am not ready to ,"take the robe".

So I can only concentrate on austerities that are practical,
right in front of me. Practices that are not dependent on
the support of a monastic community. I have outlined this
already in a post from a month ago, so no need to reiterate.

I have had this question in my Mind:

How can a confirmed lay disciple involved in community
of lay practitioners stretch the role of "lay disciple" to
the maximum in terms of effort in practice?, so that
taking the robe, the bowl, and the other monkish objects
are just a formality....The Dharma is so strong that
ordaining would be like going backwards.

What does ordination really mean?, and is a person able
to be ordained without all the "hoopla" of ceremony and
approval from a community?

Who ordained the Buddha?

Pushing all that aside I have gratitude in my heart for the
lineage , the spiritual ancestors of all modern Buddhist's ,
those who have numbered in the millions. Those that have
lived and died in the past 2500 hundred years and provided
such amazing shoulders to stand on.

I think about all the silenced voices who have been persecuted
for their practice, carrying Dharma across Asia and the
modern world in all directions.

They are anonymous, not desiring fame or recognition, buried
in time, never to be heard from. Having had no attachment to
the mundane forms of the "rupadhatu", the world of solidity
that we cherish so much.

Thinking of the spiritual ancestors I just return to my practice,
not worrying about my future, as a monk or householder.

Either one is OK.

A Way Out

I have said much about my alcoholism over the past
year, in this blog which originally only had a home
on Myspace, and then gaining a second outlet for
distribution on Blogspot. I really cannot say much more
except recapping some key points.

Not much has been related about my 6 days in a
psychiatric unit in a major hospital in downtown
Philadelphia in early April of 2008. I was not sure how
to approach the issue with tact, and without causing
worry to family and friends who read this blog.

Needless to say that week may be the most important
to my growth as a person, and my "voluntary" checking
in to the "unit" was coming for a long time, resulting
from the build up of afflictive emotions for 2 or 3 decades.

I finally got some face time with a seriously competent
mental health professional, the head "shrink" of the Unit
who sees possibly thousands of folks every year who
pass through his wing of the hospital. My story was nothing
new to him yet he gave me a half hour of his time a day,
sitting together in my room, talking quietly without
interruption.

A safe zone was created in which I could unload every
bit of my troubled heart without fear of being exposed
as a "kook" or "bad".

We got to the core of my issues, and why I had landed
in his care, and how alcohol would certainly kill me someday
and how I could address that. We agreed that anger was
my problem, and that if I faced the causes of that anger
than I could be free of drinking and his words," look
at yourself as a person who has worth and that matters".

The work I had to undertake was really quiet simple, and
I was certainly not crazy, just poisoned by toxic emotions
and behaviors.

A year later I still have vivid memories of what it was like
to be cooped up in the Unit for 6 days, monitored constantly
by a network of cameras and staff who patrolled the wing
, chatting with patients, and managing everybody calmly
and according to schedules. The only activities were about
10 pre-approved cable channels and old magazines that
offered little entertainment. I took naps, waited around
for mealtimes, and kept to myself, chatting a bit here
and there with some of my fellow patients.

Some folks were deeply ill, and would be semi-permanent
guests of the Unit, others were like me and had some
kink to work out, and then could be let loose on the world
with outpatient therapy. I had no trouble with anyone,
making peaceful gestures when someone wanted to change
the channel on one of the 2 TV's.

I remember one nurse telling me," I don't know how anyone
gets better here, it's really depressing isn't it?"...I thought
it was a bit odd that he confided in me all the labour
troubles and issues with hospital administration. I guess
the it was a case of a fine line existing between patients
and staff, everyone is sick on one level or another, seeking
peace and wholeness regardless of their exterior role.

This reflects the Dharma of course, the Buddha teaching
that suffering is pandemic, and no one is free from it's
effects.

The other major positive, besides gaining motivation to
stop drinking, and live the 5th precept totally, was having
some time with an art therapist, and learning how to enjoy
visual art again. The lady who ran those sessions was oozing
with compassion and love of creativity and told me that
all I had to do was just "make something" and how to quiet
the inner criticism that paralyzed my ability to make pictures.

More than having a year abstaining from alcohol, I have had
a year of increased space, distance from that troubled heart.
A year of intensified practice of the Dharma with a Mind
unclouded by hangovers, or the need to have a drink. This
is a blessing, a gift which cannot be matched by any material
object. Literally I have been given a second chance.

The evening of March 29th, at about 11pm I had my last
drink, and the following morning I found myself in terrible
shape,emotionally speaking, perhaps experiencing a brief
psychotic state. Thankfully I still had the presence of
Mind to get to the hospital ER where I was clearly in need
of help according to the "shrink on duty" who gave me a
"choice" voluntary sign myself in, or "be signed in".

Some agency, a higher "power" was working behind the
scenes, I know this, but really cannot relate the exact details
in words. The message of this power was," you don't have
to suffer any longer, and if you go to get help at this place
you will find a WAY OUT".

Slight Adjustments.

Been reading Ajahn Brahm's guide to meditation,
" Mindfulness, Bliss and Beyond", and despite the
"new agey" title the content is beneficial and
in harmony with the Dharma.

And thanks to my Sangha brother Chad who lent
me the title out of the blue!... please take a look at his
blog which is on my blogroll,( Vipassanaut).

Ajahn describes 7 stages to practice to prepare the
Mind for absorption into the 1st jhana,( which
I mistakenly thought I had partially experienced):

1. Awareness of the present moment free of thoughts
involving the past and future.

2. Awareness of the present moment free of incessant
"inner speech".

3. Awareness of the present moment through the
breath.

4. Sustained awareness of the breath.

5. Deep sustained awareness of the "beautiful" breath.

6. Immersion in a "nimatta", a "pure mental object".

7. Absorption in the 1st Jhana.

Each stage is to be practiced sequentially, as the other stages
cannot be experienced fully until the previous one is
"mastered". Meditation practice is really broken down
in a way that I have not encountered before, except
Analayo's treatise on the 4 Sattipathana's( foundations
of mindfulness)., called " The Direct Path to Realization".

So I have reassessed my practice and this week I have
been working again on the foundation, sitting, being
aware of the Mind itself, letting thoughts of past and
future, and inner commentaries pass like clouds
over the surface of the Mind. Later in the sitting
I concentrate on the breath.

Before I had been going straight to the breath practice
after a brief settling on the cushion.

I had not been frustrated with my practice but after
reading just the first 40 pages of Ajahn's book I knew
I had been getting ahead of myself a bit.

The last good time.

Gratitude to my Irish ancestors, and there are many of them,
who have fought their way across the centuries so I could
be present here.

Someone told me today that they had heard St Patrick was
against Celtic culture and tried to smother it with his Catholic
faith, so I am not a fan of that.

I AM a fan of sobriety, and March 29th will mark a year of
abstinence from the ,"white man's demon firewater", and
today is an anniversary of sorts also.

Little did I know that 2008's St Patrick's day would be the last
time I: Toasted to my Irish ancestors, and had a good time while
drinking.

Last year I got together with a friend "Mike" who I had considered
more than a "drinking buddy", and who accompanied me ( or
I accompanied him) on many legendary bouts of carousing around
Philly. Both of us having Irish ancestors was enough of an
excuse to start in the afternoon of the 17th, and continue our
booze fueled rampage across the city until after midnight.

Really we only hit 3 bars, but the last one was a legendary Irish
bar in the Northern Liberties section of the city , a place where
any serious person of Irish ancestry would have one drink at
during the course of the night.

We got here before midnight, and the place was full of inebriated
Philadelphians on all 3 of it's levels. By this time I should have gone
home, but Mike was spotting me drinks as I was known to be
poor at that time considering I had been out of work for 5 months
or so. I know I had enough during my drinking days when too
much alcohol would cause my bowels to want to eject it's contents
and that was what I had to do , in a crowded , dirty bar bathroom
of all places!!!.

Mike and I lost contact with each other during this interlude so
I spent what I had left in my pocket and I vaguely recall just
wandering around the 3 levels looking for Mike and having
some kind of sense to leave at about 1:30 and start shambling
down the street towards my place.

I had a good time, probably because I knew it would be a while
before I could party like that again considering my financial issues.
And depressive symptoms were creeping in, arising from feelings of
anxiety about the employment situation. That was the last time
Mike and I hung out also as I got sober 2 weeks later.

Obviously my hangover was legendary as Mike had no problem
springing for shots of top notch whiskey, mixed with beer after
beer and no water in between and oh brother I was not really
caring about my liver!!

Thinking about that day a year later does not bring back the
desire to drink thankfully. Philadelphians have been warming up
all weekend for St Patty's day and I can see what I am missing
and it's not missing anything at all.

After that day I went out maybe a few times more, carrying
increasing fear about my dwindling financial resources and not
sure about where to get my rent for April. I thought I would
be able to get some kind of income flowing again as I tended
to land on my feet at the last moment, the situation looked bad
and my mental state was reflected accordingly.

I am not sure yet if I will talk about in detail the night of
March 29th, or the next day when I found myself in bad shape,
being asked to check myself into the psychiatric unit of a local
hospital for "alcohol related depression"., which would turn
out to be a six day stay, and a quantifiable rebirth as a human
being.

Taking refuge.

Last month, so worked up about ordaining!!!

This month, a bit more realistic about the
future in general, and my pathway through time
as a Dharma practitioner/potential Monk.

Aspirations to lead a pure life, studying, meditating,
contemplating, teaching, are matched by awareness
that I still suffer from the hindrances of craving,
aversion, agitation, laziness, and doubt.

I could enter a monastic community tomorrow
and these factors of the Mind would still be
present. And for the duration of my time as a
monastic the same would be true.

At the moment I am living as closely as possible
to the monastic ideal as I have understood it, and
Greed, Hatred and Delusion, the 3 mothers of
suffering, still are like storm clouds passing through
the Mind's atmosphere.

This morning I was reading Dharma, a translation
of the Vajracheddeka Sutra, from the family of
"perfection of wisdom" sutras that are so important
to the Mahayana practitioners. I thought to myself,
" I am in love with Siddartha".,I carry honest devotion
towards a being who died 2 and half millenia ago,
but lives through his Dharma, and the lineage of
the Sangha.

This sentiment is an expression of the actuality of
what I have become. Truly I have taken refuge
in the 3 jewels, not just in name or empty action,
but in the way I choose to exist.

Years ago, around 1991 I read my roomate's copy
of Philip Kapleau's "3 Pillars of Zen", and I recall
being moved by the account of what "Zen" could
be, and the possibilities of Zen practice, and the
movement of Zen Buddhism through Asia/Japan.

That was when my practice as a Buddhist began,
though I was not starkly aware of it, not knowing
the arising of the "Mind of Enlightenment" had begun
and a Dharma seed had been laid in the soil of
the Mind.

Now I can see how those seeds have grown into
components of a strong practice., and thus I feel
intense gratitude to have finally seen the benefits
of contemplating and practicing Dharma. All that
time reading and thinking about Buddhist concepts
over the last 15 years or so is taking effect, like
medicine in the bloodstream.

However the more my practice intensifies so does
the attempts by Mara, lord of illusion and tricks, to
undo me. Mara is not anywhere else but my own
Mind, living in splendor, and feeding off my afflictive
emotions. I play a game every day, to see Mara
everywhere, popping up in all situations, attempting
to keep me off practice, and eventually fall hard
as I have done so in the past.

So it is.

This week I have been thinking of how to set up a
weekly meditation session for those in recovery. A half
hour of sitting led by me, and then a half hour of
discussion, and general "sharing" as found in AA
meetings. I would not be teaching any Dharma officially,
but teaching a technique I am well practiced in. Basic
Buddhist meditation, following the breath, noticing
the body in it's local environment, and seeing thoughts
as arising and ceasing entities. Samatha Bhavana, "calm
abiding".

More about that when I figure out a solution.

The Magic Valley

On Saturday I took a train trip via local commuter
rail to the northern reaches of our famous Fairmount
park here in Philly. I was blessed with a nice day and
could not pass it up, frankly hungering for some
time in a natural setting or as close to it as possible.

It's called Valley Green, or the Wissahickon gorge
and I would call that an accurate description as the
Wissahickon creek is closed in on both sides in portions
by some hills that are 300-400 feet or so in height. I
thought I had some strong legs from walking everywhere
I go in Philly, but I was pushed to my limits going up and
down hills , following trails and getting to know the
area.

I covered to the "north" loop leaving the south loop
for a day later in the spring when the foliage is more
in bloom. There are also plenty of trails in the north
part that I did not follow that looked promising. A pity
the area is being developed outside of its preservation
area so the local suburbanites use the trails and you
can see their houses in glimpses through the trees.

Luckily there were spots that I found that gave the
impression of solitude and I had some short meditation
sessions , absorbing the presence of each area.

At certain points I was intoxicated by the sounds of
birds, trees, flowing water, and insect noises allowing
myself delight in this sensual environment but heeding
the words of Dharma masters to not become attached.

As a young lad I spent much time in Bear mountain
state park in Connecticutt, where I grew up. This area
was basically my back yard and here I encountered
my true self, so to speak, the contemplative Mind, that
is comfortable with solitude. I developed some particular
senses in regard to nature and that apparatus had
been repressed in favor of what is necessary to survive
in the "big city" with its multi-tasking, and excessive
assault on the the senses.

I am grateful for this place, this new sanctuary I call
"magic valley".

Laying out the practice

This list represents what I have drawn out of the
Vinaya as a a condensation of its practices. This
does not qualify me officially as a ,"monk" but
certainly qualifies me as being "on the monastic path".

Living the 5 precepts to the maximum level, as far
as you can take each of them:

-Renouncing the harming of living beings, whether
physically or through emotional/mental means.

-Renouncing taking what is not given.

-Renouncing ALL sexual conduct in body and Mind.

-Renouncing all speech that is not essential to
the practice, and being honest about levels of
practice achieved.

-Renouncing the use of intoxicants completely.

( These 5 points merge the monastic Prajikas and the
precepts of the lay practitioner)

And then beyond that the practice extends
into:

-Abstaining from frivolous or carnal entertainments
like gatherings of people to hear music, or theatrical
performances. The exceptions being those artists
that perform chanting or devotional forms.

-Abstaining from hearing music, or watching television.
the exceptions being I like to practice piano on my casio
and I like watching films. So I choose films that
are in harmony with the practice overall. Eventually
I will have to renounce them entirely., probably when
i am just about to join a monastic community.

-Eating only what is essential to sustain the body/Mind.

-Owning what is essential in terms of possessions. I
gave 2 large bags of old clothes to goodwill this morning
and will get rid of some more stuff. The money I earn
that does not go to supporting my life is saved to
eventually purchase some kind of building for a Dharma
center that I dream of creating.

-In terms of socializing only spending time with fellow
Dharma practitioners as much as possible. Considering
I have a job this means I have to interact with non-practitioners
for 35 hours a week. This corresponds to the lines in the
Dhammapada on " good companions.....".

-I continue my painting/visual art practice because I am
enjoying it and it is in harmony with the precepts.

-Adherance to a daily practice of meditation, Dharma reading,
practice of the precepts/8 fold path, and Mindfulness in all activity.

If you have any suggestions feel free to comment.

All the sudden its clear.

So I have not written a post in about 2 or 3 weeks
because I have been using my computer time
at the library and internet cafe to look at the Vinaya,
the list of precepts that Buddhist monks follow
and how many of them I can adopt to my practice.

I am undertaking the 4 Prajikas with as much gusto
as I can muster; 1. Not killing 2. Not stealing 3. No
sexual contact of any kind 4. No lying about attainments.

So this means I have finally , after a decade of thinking
about it, decided to become a celibate for life, and abstain
from sexual contact completely. In body and Mind.

The other 3 Prajikas I was practicing already as a
they can be included in the 5 precepts, even the one
about lying about spiritual attainments which falls under
"right speech".

The consequences of living celibately are that I will
not have to suffer over women and desire for women
anymore, (or not as as much). I am relieved to be focused
in this new trajectory as I will not have to worry about
including a long term partner in my Buddhist practice.
This will also mean that I will not provide grandchildren
for my mother, which is something I know she looked
forward too. It puts the onus of that on my brother.

This is a major step towards renunciation of worldly
things that I take as preparation for ordainment. 11 months
ago I renounced alcohol and all intoxicants and so far have
been successful. This was important and my practice
intensified accordingly on the cushion and off.

Speaking of cushions I put out on the street my oval ,
space age sitting chair and I now sit on cushions when
reading or watching movies. The purpose of this is
to train my body to sit crosslegged for long periods.,
and so far it's working, though I am not masochistic
and shift position. I sat through 3 hours of Oliver Stone's
"W" like this and had only minor discomfort.

My next step is take on more of the Vinaya, but I don't
plan on walking around in robes, or carrying an alms
bowl, nor battling with my landlord about the dimensions
of my apartment. So far I see that I can adjust how
I spend time with other beings, women in particular.
So that means women are forbidden from entering
my apartment, and possibly I will not embrace women
friends. Also I will be much more mindful about who
I spend time with and where and when. Which is no
problem considering I am a homebody and only go
out to work, run errands and attend sangha meetings.

There is a precept against playing or hearing music
and that is nearly impossible as I am enjoying playing
keyboards again as a hobby, and music is everywhere
in Philly. I don't really have any Cd's left in my posession
besides my top 10 awesome albums and I never listen
to them anyway so I may be giving some away to the
thrift store.

Eventually I will have to change jobs to comform to "
right livelihood" ,as I work in bar and most of my paycheck
is derived from the sales of alcohol. For now that is not
feasible as there is nothing out there to switch over to.
Businesses are closing at an alarming rate here in Philly
due to the economy.

I am grateful to be even more focused on my pathway
into the future, and may I be blessed with the fortitude
to undertake these austerities.

Suspension of Dharma brother.

If you stop by and check in regularily I am
suspending this blog for a while but I will be
looking at what folks are doing on my blogroll.

I am using my limited computer time at the
library for a research project.

http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/vin/sv/bhikkhu-pati-intro.html

I copied this into my email program so I could study it without
printing it out( 27 pages).

Thanks.

Pete.

Boring.

Today I said to myself:

" Being comfortable with boredom and tedium is
the secret to life".

I certainly have gotten used to actions that are
described as such in my working career in the past
20 years. Being involved in low-wage, "low skill"
employment means facing much boredom and
tedium.

In the kitchen I work in we move fast, though alot
of it is cooking the same items every day, so it's
boredom at excessive speeds, with multi-tasking
that can exhaust a person at the end of the day.

Mindfullness, the "present moment", being aware
of Body, Breath, and Mind is the most interesting
concept I have come across in the mass corpus of
world knowledge. Everyday I get a bit better at it.

Some of the people in my Sangha, and even the
"dedicated practitioner" subgroup within that community
have trouble with Mindfulness and find difficulty sitting
still without being overwhelmed by emotions or
afflictive mindstates. Or are just so agitated that they
cannot physically keep their bodies in one place.

I understand this, and once again becoming comfortable
with boredom and tedium through practice is the way
to overcome these problems. In June of 2007 when
I began my daily Yoga practice I also began a daily
sitting practice. It took a year to make the sitting a
half hour a day because my Mind rebelled against the
simple action of being still, and i was still either hungover
or craving a drink or both.

Now I sit 45-60 minutes with minimal "mental static"
and physical discomfort though it is necassary to get up
after awhile because the days business must be attended
to.

I also minimize distraction in terms of personal relationships
so that my apartment becomes a meditation cave and
there is no one there in body or spirit to disturb me, and
thankfully my neighbours are quiet.

Thats all great for me isn't it?...aren't I friggin awesome?

The westerner can battle through all these conditionings
that not doing anything is BAD., os my dharma brothers
and sisters can incrementally find themselves sitting all
pretty like a kitty, nowhere to go , nowhere to be, and
nothing to do.

And be just fine with that.

I smell freedom like a whiff of some lovely plate of grilled
animal flesh in front of me, and the Mind is the only
obstacle.

Nice to meet you Mr. Rinpoche

I was fortunate to have found out about a talk that
was going to be given by one Gelek Rinpoche, organizer
of www.jewelheart.org, at the Philadelphia Ethical
Society. I had to come back across town on foot after
a day of work in the kitchen but some things are
worth it.

I don't often get to hear in person practitioners of the
Dharma that are ordained, or have bestowed upon
them status in some Buddhist tradition, only meeting
Thich Tien Son, a Vietnamese monk who has a
temple in Franfurt, Germany, twice in this decade.

I get a bit excited like a 12 year old girl going to see some
rock and roll extravaganza. Thinking perhaps I will get
invited on stage to dance like Courtney Cox did in that
Bruce video.

Haha.

Of course I stayed mindful and realized that I am dealing
with a human being. Rinpoche was down to earth, and
spoke on the subject of Compassion, comparing it with
Wisdom, and nearly giving a talk on the whole of the
Brahmaviharas without intending it.( He did not touch
upon "sympathetic Joy").

I sat next to a woman from a local Shambhala center who
whispered responses to various points the Rinpoche made
and even out loud said ,"of course" when he asked permission
to take off his jacket as it was hot in the room.

Rinpoche did not levitate up the aisle in the small auditorium
nor did sparkly rays of energy emit from his forehead, nor
was anyone spontaneously enlightened.

I love Tibetans and their Buddhism, enjoying recently the
film" Milarepa:part 1" and last year reading "The Snow
Leopard" by Peter Mathiessen. I started out on the Dharma
path taking refuge with a New Kadampa group that still
is active here in Philly as the "Menlha Buddhist Center".

Reading about the Mahayana folks though makes me raise
an eyebrow or two in skepticism, and I am grateful that I
have had access to the history of Buddhism and can make
choices about what practices are relevant to me as a Westerner.

I enjoyed Gelek Rinpoche because he made no claims about the
supremacy of Mahayana over Theravedan ways, even commenting
that "without the Theravedan teachers Mahayana would not have
existed". This is a man who is considered a reincarnated Lama,
a "tulku" yet he graced the stage with the humility of a being
who is subject to birth and death.

From ordinary citizen to ordinary Monk.

This week I have been feeling overwhelmed by the
speed of modern living, the pace here in Philadelphia
downtown which demands much attentive awareness
to avoid walking into people, places , and things. All
the movements of these factors exhaust the Mind
and sometimes I wonder why I have spent nearly 20
years in a city that I have such a love/hate relationship
with.

Most of my anxieties stem from relations with other
human beings, and even now writing this blog I am sitting
here in a supposedly quiet a library and there are people
moving behind me and in front of me and I sense slight
annoyance. I can feel the tremors of irritation run up
and down my body and know this is an isue that I will
struggle with for as long as I live in the big city.

Or anywhere that has a population of more than one person
that is not me.

All these phenomena of worldly existence exist as information
that I consider myself to be interelated with , beyond my ability
to control as phenomena, but manageable in terms of my
reactions. The Buddha teaches this in simplicity, suffering
cannot be destroyed as a factor of being but it can be "handled"
or "processed" so that it appears to be destroyed. I practice
this every minute in varying degrees of intensity in order
to survive emotionally and physically.

This is after all, what my life is about, having harmony between
"exterior" and "interior" so that fragmentation does not
occur and suffering does not overwhelm my being.

For many years of I have contemplated ordainment in one of
our world religious traditions, thinking of what has to happen
in my life to prepare for this commitment. I was so inspired by
Thomas Merton at one point I spent some time researching
the process of becoming a Catholic monk, and of course I have
familiarized myself with the stages of progressing into the life
of full Bhikkuhood, the vows of a Buddhist monastic. I am
confident that I can thrive in this role.

Would this solve my problems with the modern world?

Suffering would not be eradicated, but I would hope that
solitude and silence would increase and that is where I am
eventually headed. This is where anxiety decreases, when
I am in my sanctuary, doing my creative activities, meditating,
reading, exercising. I get up around 6:30am every weekday
morning and I don't say a word besides my Buddhist prayers
before 9-10 am, and on the weekends I have gone for 48
hours without talking, except for "please and thank you" at
the grocery store or library, or brief chatting with folks
at my Sangha.

The monastic life has much gravity for me, this role in life
is the greatest thing I believe a human being can do, devote
themselves to their tradition, and to service. I am like a
body in space orbiting a larger body and parsec by parsec
falling into that body's gravity well. I expect to find myself
ordained in the Buddhist tradition and quite sure that is
where I was supposed to end up.

Right now though I live the ideal of the lay disciple, conscious
of all 5 precepts, and of the 8 fold path, studying and absorbing
Dharma, purifying the body/Mind. Doing what I can
in this respect until I make the "plunge" into the monastic
life, until I find an open door somewhere in the world that
leads to this way of being.

As far as I am concerned I am already a Buddhist monk,
it's just a matter of deepening the practice to the point
where formal vows and ceremonies are performed with
someone, somewhere, at sometime. The main obstacle to
this commitment is a woman.

I may or may not know her already, or she is on my horizon,
and the question is will she fulfill my need to be loved romantically
and will I give that love in return.

I fear that my monastic life will be haunted by this lack
of experiencing a successful relationship with a woman, as it
did Merton.

Thank you Joseph Campbell.

One aspect of my life that I forgot to mention
in my gratitude list is that since I got sober
all the sudden I have become not only real
interested in visual art again, but real active
in practicing this form of creativity.

Some of you know I spent my high school
and college years in ,"serious"training to eventually
take on the role of "artist" in global society and
achieve great fame and wealth in this life.

The truth is I was never that serious, and most
of the work I did in those years was "crap" and
I spent most of my art school years goofing off
with music majors and playing guitar.

I had some decent ideas for paintings and drawings
but not much commitment and discipline to really
follow through completely on those "visions" and
I heard all about this lack of focus from my peers
and instructors.

After I graduated I spent my time doing alot of
thinking about what I wanted to actualize as a
two dimensional form, ( daydreaming about art
projects) and investigating musical instruments
and forms and playing in musical projects.

Always putting off that great piece of art that would
dazzle everyone and get me the approval that I was
so hungry for.

Now I don't care about fame or selling art and I have
tapped into that ability I once had, though I am way
behind my peers and even the generation that came
after me in skill level. I just plod along and ask the
divine presence to give me enough time to really
put together a large body of work that satisfies what
I think art-objects should look like according to all
those years of training, thinking, and observation.

The "art world" is a scary place I have never been
comfortable in, meaning the people and institutions
that make up this area of society are confusing to me
in their motives and ways of operating.

I go around to the gallery district here in Philly but
I don't say much , not feeling at home among the crowds
of folk who converge on this part of Philly every First
Friday. I find that those who are hyper focused on art
as a career and are professionally appointed and outfitted
have really shitty work., lacking vitality, and "spark".

I don't outright criticize anyone to their face because
I carry humility in my heart about where I am in my
own art practice. I know where I belong in the ancient
tradition of visual artists, the silent ones who ,"follow
their bliss", going about the business of mining the
imagination and creating documents of that process.

Years ago I read this bit of advice from Joseph Campbell
that one should,"follow their bliss", if having trouble in
making a life for themselves. I never quite knew what
he meant but these days I think I am gaining an appreciation
for what he was talking about.

Useless?

I have been puzzling over an essay by Roshi Steven Hagen
which was published in 2008's," Best Buddhist Writing"
anthology. He states that meditation is useless and that
to come up with reasons to do it defeats the activity.

Or something.

I am not sure what he was talking about and perhaps I
need to reread this particular piece.

I hear similar talk from various dharma folk that to have
a goal is to always be grasping at the end result and never
getting anywhere, and never getting anywhere is the
point because being here is the point.

Or something.

I disagree that meditation is useless.

I like to sit still, mindfulness practice is natural and I have
been doing it since I was a lad without knowing it had a
name or a "use".

It may appear to the outside observer that I am doing nothing
every morning, wasting time sitting crosslegged and stewing in
quiet, slowly breathing and staring at a point on my wall for
45 minutes. As far as a I am concerned I am practicing
awareness, out of curiosity to see where the whole thing leads me
to.

Practice and curiosity are useful.

I understand that the goal is no goal at all, but that does not
mean the action is pointless. Though a "point" is an object
and can be an object of clinging.

Anyway.

This weekend I had a bit of inspiration to purchase a simple
Casio keyboard, the kind I used to make sounds and melodies
and freakish noises with in the various musical projects I
was once involved with here in Philly. These projects did not
amount to much but we sure had fun playing our music
in the "free-improv/electronica/free-jazz/soundscape " scene
and making piles of recordings.

I was at a small New Years gathering and playing an ancient
Steinway in the next room and I said to myself," Man I really
miss playing the piano". At various points in my life the piano/
synthesizer has really been my main creative activity and brought
much satisfaction. I remember being really young and holding
the sustain pedal down on the family piano and striking notes
and saying to myself," I can hear the angels inside of the piano
singing".

This humble Casio was purchased with half of my Xmas bonus
and has some neat sounds that will provide me with focused
activity tht keeps me out of trouble.

AA was keeping me out of trouble but I experienced an epiphany:

" I don't need this program to stay sober.".

There were some things happening that bothered me and had
mainly to do with my sponsor and certain folks at meetings
who sounded like broken records, repeating the same old slogans
and catchphrases. It started to sound like they were convincing
themselves that AA truly worked and was the only thing any
person in recovery needed to stay the course....the kind of
convincing that had the tone of desperation attached.

There is a certain vitality lacking at meetings, folks are
"white knuckling" it more than anyone cares to admit.

My sponsor was also trying to pull me away from my dharma
sangha, a community which means alot to me, especially
since we are meeting for 3 hours each month for a "dedicated
practitioner's group". My sponsor seemed to have the idea
that he could tell me what to do with my personal time.

Sorry, Charlie.

There are two meetings during the week that I enjoy and I
will keep attending them. I have done the 12 step work in
full with my addiction therapist, so I don't worry about missing
out on that whole deal. Especially the 4th/5th steps where
I create an inventory and talk about the contents of this
inventory with another human being, myself, and God.

True confessions!!!

I could go into detail about all my suspicions in regards to
AA but I think it would be against "right speech". They are
my observations and one should investigate for themselves
what the 12 step work is all about.

Gratitudinous!!!

Some folks who blog in the spirit of Dharma have
published "gratitude journals" and I will be a copycat:

1. I am not always aware of it, but I am grateful to be
alive, to have breathe moving through my system, to
have light and sound activating my eyes and ears, and
to have the good fortune to digest food and have the
organs that perform that function.

2. I am grateful to have been born in an age where
information is dispersed enough that I was able to
hear the Dharma, and have the mental faculty to
understand and practice it.

3. I am grateful to live in a society, though flawed, that
is sufficiently free so that I am not persecuted to the
point of grave mental and bodily injury for my ideas
and way of life. And thanks to those millions of beings
that do all the "dirty" work that gives our society
it's shiny appearance, worldwide.

4. I am grateful to have sobriety, to have freedom from
those substances, situations and people that were
toxic and diminished the quality of my being. Now
I am part of a strong Buddhist Sangha that I have
taken refuge in for nearly a year and I hope will
act as a place of sanity as a countereffect to the
compulsion to return to "partyland".

5. I am grateful to have a clearer channel of dialogue
with a mysterious, infinite being of loving mercy that
I call God. I can have a relationship with this being
without the intervention of suffocating dogmas and
people who promote these systems to their own
ends.

6. I am grateful to have a better relationship with family
and friends which has come about through this blog
which is partially a mechanism for amends making.

7. I am grateful for the forgiveness and understanding
that I have received from family and friends who have
suffered my shadow being.

8. I am grateful to be aware of the scope and breadth of
my shadow being, knowing the fullness of it and what
I am capable of is liberating. My capacity for self-destruction
is difficult to contend with but manageable with the practice
of mindfulness.

9. I am grateful to be employed with work that keeps income
flowing into my life, despite it's challenges and "issues".

10. I am grateful to have an apartment in a beautiful antique
neighborhood that possesses alot of "soul". This living space
is essential to my spiritual growth, and is where I practice
meditation, read books, sing my songs, paint my pictures
and find sanctuary.

2008 has been a difficult year in terms of mental health but
I have grown wider and stronger wings, increasing my range
as a person. The number one factor in my increased mental
health is the abstinence from alchohol which was a scourge
in my life for 2 decades.

Everything else is ,"easy stuff" compared to the suffering
that drinking causes me. Attending AA meetings is just icing on
the cake because really I do not need AA to stay sober, I just
have to remember how awful it was to exist in the "boozefog"
and how it fueled my shadow being and brought me to a place
that for all intensive purposes resembled the mythical hells
of our collective history.

I was like poor Sysiphus(sic), rolling his massive boulder up
and down a hill for all eternity in the realm of Hades.

I was also fooling no one, as a learned recently when I made
amends to my former boss, who owned the bookstore I managed
for 2 years. He knew how hungover I was all the time and had
been quite patient with me , allowing me to keep my job though
he could have let me go at anytime. Somehow I performed well
enough , functioning as some alcoholics do to keep the "party"
going.

May 2009 be a year of discovery and lasting happiness for all
beings.

God vs Buddha.

I was reading the other day about how our solar system
is getting set to be aligned once again with the center
of the galaxy and I thought," what an apt metaphor
for my own spiritual being".

Being in AA I have been of course thinking about "God" and
how all the sudden I am more receptive to the practice
of being connected with such a "power". A year ago I was
swinging towards the Richard Dawkins led crowd of athiests
/agnostics and forgetting just how deeply faithful I once
was, believing wholeheartedly in the God of Abraham.

I am like the Sun, which seems to move in and out of
alignment with the galactic center, performing it's cycle
through the life of our Universe without much choice in
the matter. The metaphor is a little simplistic, because
these days I would not say that God has a center, nor can
any one body revolve around that which does not have
a center point.

The idea is I have seen the pattern in my life of being
real interested in divine power, and then becoming
apathetic towards the idea of "god". A cycle that resembles
those found in nature, telling me my thoughts about
divinity are deeply unconscious, which happens to be a
region of our selves that is responsive to, and reflective
of patterns in nature.

If at the time I was calling myself an "athiest" I was really
just saying," I don't give a f^&ck, or I don't care, my ego
is in charge and we don't have time for your old wives tales".
Deep down in my Mind I was clamoring for just the sort
of relationship that heroes of mine like Thomas Merton
had with their "higher power".

I really enjoy studying Dharma, and Siddartha Guatama
is in my Mind the greatest human being that has ever lived
in terms of spiritual thinkers. This statement has some weight
as I have investigated everyone in the 6,000 years of past time
who showed up on the radar of scholars in our time as viable
"spiritual thinkers".

The problem is Siddhartha leaves me a bit cold, and I find
myself sending out signals, like a damaged robot who is
calling out to his factory for rebooting and maintenance. This
is my favoritie speculative theory on the origins of mankind
that we are just flesh androids created by a disfunctional
race of inter-dimensional beings who just left us behind to
fend for ourselves.

I am reading the Dhammapada now for the second time, and
now that I own a copy I look forward to reading it again and
again and absorbing it's words. Nonetheless I pine for a
wonderful, vastly expansive, being who has the power to
enter my heart and clean it out, wash away all the scars
and injuries and leave me feeling reborn.

This is not the God of Abraham, not any God of scripture,
or contemparary "new age" authorship. But a God of my
own conception, a God that I can verify through repeated
subjective experience, a being that I know has been there
my whole life but that I have ignored or that I could not
quite interpret properly.

I mentioned in a sharing during an AA meeting that since I
have been sober this "force" is coming through much
clearer, but I am still learning to understand quite what
"it" is talking about. This being does not speak human
vocal languages, but speaks through metaphor, symbols,
colors, musical tones, patterns in nature, environmental
events, and through the actions of people.

By saying this I come close to "magical thinking", that sign
of schizophrenic personality, and behaviour that would have
gotten me locked up 25 years ago, and burned at the
stake 300 years ago. But I refuse to be ashamed of what
I have discovered as being what I consider to be divine
presence, the existence of the animating source of Being
that dwells within the field of my consciousness.

This our gift, to have the ability to make contact with our
source, without the intervention or intercession of dogmatic
authority. If folks frame their "God" experience through
a known quantity or system that is Ok. But I am just that
explorer type who will not settle for another person's ideas
without investigation and the satisfaction of curiousity.

Even if Buddha specifically stated," the question of eternalism
and nihilism is not pertinent to my teachings on suffering"
that does not forbid a practitioner from opening up a channel
to the ultimate mystery, the "hidden hand".

I am encouraged by some writings by Lama Surya Das that
state that each individual Dharma practitioner is free to
understand the concept of divinity as he or she chooses and
go so far as to invite that presence into their practice. I forget
the book but you can go and find out the chapter easily through
use of the proper keywords on google.

On a side note: thanks to all the folks who read my blog, and
I apologize if I cannot respond to each of your comments as
I get limited time on the computer thanks to the budget
cuts of library services by Philadelphia's mayor.

May all beings be free from suffering.

Yet more clarity about females!

It's hard to be a human and be so aware of ones
chemicals that produce reactions in the nervous
system that produce thoughts and feelings that
are stressful and lead to suffering. Men who are
attracted to women are tortured by these so
called hormones and this constant need to impregnate
females and further their genetic information.

I have speculated to myself that our actual "selves"
biologically speaking are just DNA molecules and
this body that we think is the self is a kind of machine
or tool for DNA to move itself through the universe
and this planet. So our actions are motivated by this
signal emitted by DNA and we are virtual slaves
to it's needs. I wonder if it is the only actual lifeform
that is "immortal' in our universe, and that the bodies
it builds to carry it , to "host" it are temporary and
incapable of immortality.

The point is I am aware of this deep, primordial, billions
of years old instinctual drive that causes me confusion,
a set of feelings that go against our artificial constructs
of society, in particular a feminist culture that tells men
that they are wrong to want to have sex with many women
as possible. Yet at the same time females have their own
instincts that may tell them that they should be having
as many babies as possible.

I am no scientist in these matters, but I am in the business
of observing my own Mind as a lay disciple of this tradition
we call Buddhism, and considering the suffering that sexual
desire causes I search out the source and roots of all this
hoopla with the intention of reducing that suffering.

For my whole life I have been confused by what females want,
beginning in my family life, then the environment of school,
and then my adult life as a worker drone in the metropolitan
hell realm. I have gotten in trouble for saying the most silly
stuff about feminists and women in general because of that
insecurity and been tagged with the reputation of being a
mysogenous prick.

Logically I have no problem with the advancement of women
and the respectful treatment of women in terms of personal
space, I am polite too a fault and give women everything I
think they want. But there is this biological thing going on
where men and women dance around each other in a cycling
process of domination and submission that I don't think
feminists acknowledge. I assume that all women enjoy the
power they have over men and could not think of having it
any other way.

This is infuriating.

To be honest I wish I could experience a society where women
are for them most part submissive and men are dominant, just
to see if it indeed causes me less confusion, or if my confusion
about women is arising from another , more psychological
source beyond ordinary sex roles in modern society.

The women that turn me off are the ones who act dumb, who
play this game of material desire when they are much more
intelligent than that. The women that are aversive and want
men to do all the dirty work while they sit in comfort and
maintain their position of power that is given to them by the
feminist activists of the 20th century. I like the quiet, studious
chicks who do not need material possessions and lavish
lifestyles to be happy.

Perhaps my misogyny is not all pervasive, and it is just those
women who play two games of demanding material security
and act like airheads, but also demand unconditional respect,
that irritate me.

I am working all this out with a sober Mind now., before I was
not clear about anything, and I fell into an unskillful mindset
about women that they are weaker but are excellent at creating
the illusion of being stronger. I was polluted by the electronic
information media about what kind of women I should like
or consider to be attractive, and how a man should approach
these types. If you want your child to be confused in later
life than sit them in front of prime time TV every night and
see how they can make heads or tales of relationships.

What I do know is I have always had a difficult time talking
to women and feeling relaxed in their presence and the source
of this must begin with the obvious, because there is one
woman who I spent 9 months with in close proximity, inside
her body, and then was rudely expelled from that place and
thrust into this realm. It's difficult to publicly criticize ones
own mother, or cast blame on this mother/son relationship
for troubles in adult life. I can change this anxiety about
women by just hanging out with them as much as possible.

I do just that sort of thing at work because most of the
employees are women, and I find myself having to navigate
all sorts of perils and being ultra-mindful of what I say and do
in that environment....in short a great place to practice
understanding and compassion for women.

I will also say that I have identified a some anger, and dissapointment
bordering on despair about the fact that I have never been in
love with a woman that was in love with me. I have not experienced
what it is like to be totally intimate on a variety of levels with
a woman and being 38 I worry about wether this will happen
for me at all. I could say that the producers of " 40 year old
Virgin" stole my life story and had Steve Carell play me, ( and
sue them!!!), but that would not be accurate as I am not
physically a virgin, just emotionally so, in that no woman that
I have been involved with has ever said," I love you".

This is beyond ordinary craving for sexual desire, this is about
a deep seated need for acceptance from a woman that I believe
would allow for transformation in my life that qualifies as a
"quantum leap".

Ku Klux Pete.

Eventually I will stop this exhibitionist mining
of my emotions and afflictions, bringing to light
all that is unholy in my heart.

But for now let me call attention to something
that I have gotten in trouble for in past decades
and by now should know better.

I am capable of being a stone cold racist.

The other day at work I was talking to my boss
and she said "the order is here, and I don't know
if everything is checked in", meaning before any
of us in the kitchen got to work the supplies we
needed for the next few days were sitting in
the back of the restaurant,( which is a rarity). She
told me that the only person who could have signed
for the stuff was "junior" the guy who comes in
early and cleans the restaurant, and I remarked,
" how could junior go over the invoice and make sure
everything was there"?, meaning, " How could an
immigrant from Latin America look at a complex
document like an invoice and make heads or tales
or it?"....My boss looked at me and said," well why
wouldn't he be able to?".

woops!!!

And because we are so brutally honest in our kitchen
I said," because I am a racist"...and she says" well
stop being a f$%^cking racist"...and mind you my
boss is a black woman from deep west Philadelphia,
not too far from the sight of the M.O.V.E bombings.

This incident is really one of perhaps hundreds in
my lifetime where I have stuck my foot in my mouth
all the way up to my shinbone. Knowing better, having
the intellectual knowledge that skin color is just a surface
component to the whole person, time and time again
my prejudices are unfounded in this multi-cultural
world.

Of course this begins with the simple act of judging,
allowing raw sense data to turn into perceptions and
conceptions. Not being Mindful of what is really happening
in our Minds and all the sudden you are just in trouble
and diminishing your total being by one thought or
action.

I will tell a person that I find white supremacist theories
and groups to be ridiculous and a terrible source of
negativity in the world. And then I will be walking down
the street and see a black male coming towards me and
I will tense up expecting some kind of violence , usually
a black male that looks ,"ghetto". I have vocally sounded
my contempt for "ghetto" culture like hip-hop and at
the same time talked about how much I love Jazz music,
which is just as much a product of lower class black folks
as hip-hop.

While I have begun to admit to myself just how deeply
this prejudice runs, I am realizing that this same Hatred
applies to how I feel about women also, which is a whole
blog topic in itself, and something I have spoken of before.

I have struggled with being comfortable around women
and why I really don't spend alot of time with them. I
have not done well in the dating department, having terrible
times in relationships. For a while this told me I was a
freak or Gay, but upon talking this over with a mental
health professional,( who was Gay), I understood that
I was just an asshole to women for some reason and
I needed to explore that.

Of course this is part of a larger process of seeing our reality
with the "Dharma eye", and understanding every person
on a case by case basis instead of lumping folks into groups
and dealing with them that way.

I accept all this because I am not the only one who suffers
from mental distortion, especially in such a city like Philly
where shadows and light shift constantly, inhibiting
clarity.

Is what is what is what is.

I think this month I have gotten "real" as they say
here in Philly and stopped pretending to be
spirtually aware. How ridiculous to be strutting
around hip to some jive about being evolved and
in touch with my sh(&^t to a greater degree than
anyone else.

Most of the time I have the mindstate of anger,
resentment, general loathing, and animosity, plus
a variety of related emotions that are not associated
with spiritual development. I have become so focused
on this ideal personality developed through years
of reading the works of all kinds of teachers and
spiritual characters that I lost sight of my actual
"front" or mask.

I know this person who calls me " the belligerent Buddhist"
and for a while this was annoying me, but then it
dawned on me that it was quite funny and right on. For
other reasons I keep this person at arms length but
I have to really thank her for that because truly
I have radiated hostility towards other beings and
the world for 30 years.

Hostility and cynicism are wonderful ways to keep all
sorts of people at bay and not receive the love and support
I require to have emotional harmony. A condition I wish
to have to a further degree but somehow I sabotage all
that in favor of appearing like a raging demon who will
smash you in the head for any kind of percieved insult.

As Thich Nhat Hanh relates in his writings on Zen master
Linji, we are all owners of a "bright shining Mind" that is
obscured by layers of soul junk and decayed mental energy
and all we have to do is just twist our Minds another way
through practice and we can let this "shine" ooze through
like bright light through a colander.

That sounds great but the reality is I am wading through an
ocean of sh%^$t most of the time, frustrated, anxious, and
too much in the past and future . What a cycle we ride through
space/time, so many created obstacles, so much friction that
is generated by mindstates that are reducable through simple
acts of mindfulness.

I am changing my practice around a bit. Instead of playing this
other game of ," I am walking on water", I have decided to
be my "real" self, which is irascible, mean spirited, and somewhat
offensive and be Mindful of that as a passing stream of thoughts.
If you think about it I am introducing some reverse psychology
into the daily "mix" and tricking the Mind into thinking one way
when the Mind thinks it is getting it's way.

Ha!!!

Battles.

I have discovered a new form of Bi-polar existence
beyond the manic-depressive cycle. This is comprised
of the afflictions we call "hindrances", and the attitudes
of being we call "brahmaviharas".

I swing back and forth between the states of Mind that
are laziness, agitation, craving, aversion, and doubt,
,(hindrances)to loving-kindness, compassion, sympathetic joy,
and equanimity,(brahmaviharas). This cycle is experienced
in any time frame you can think of.

This is nothing new to millions of folks all over the world
that are tortured by their own Minds, in fact no one alive
can say they have not felt the turbulences of the heartMind
acutely or atleast moderately. We can know this intellectually
and see it in the faces of others but still we think we are
martyrs and the only ones suffering like this.

In particular, and I talk about this frequently, the hindrance
I deal with the most is "aversion", nasty anger and vicious
hatred which seems to have a life of it's own. Of course that
state of Mind has a counterpart which is compassion, and
I can recognize the suffering of myself or another being
one moment and the next harbor ill will and malice towards
them or myself.

I can go through the cycle of the course of an hour, or day,
or have a full week of one or the other. This is how the Mind
works, unstable, contradictory, imbalanced. This is how the
heartMind is eroded and mental and physical health are
threatened.

Thanksgiving morning I attended a large of gathering of
folks in recovery at a church here in Philadelphia, I hung
out with my sponsor who introduced me to all the old timers
in AA, the folks who are veritable Kings and Queens of the
various groups in Philly. This is supposedly a happy time
for all these people to congregate and see that everyone is
alive and well and sober. I was in a foul mood and I was
thinking some ugly thoughts about the room and my
sponsor picked up on this , and with compassion told me
15 years earlier in the first months of his sobriety he sat
exactly in the same room and thought and felt the same.

" These sappy, weak willed, whiners and complainers".

Later on after a night meeting my sponsor and I sat down
and read from the Big Book, just the two of us and he laid
it down that I was not the only one who was going through
this, and that eventually I would learn to experience joy
in being among the fellowship and pass that onto another
person who needed to rise out of the shadow and into the
lighter places.

He busted my stones though gently reminding me that
I knew better to walk around with so much animosity when
there was so much love available in the room. This is difficult
in such a place like Philadelphia, so violent and chaotic,
so many with false selves created to deflect all that negativity,
that to stand down and be at peace is not easy.

The times when loving kindness, compassion, and sympathetic
joy arise are usually at random and I have gratitude for
that emotional oasis. I have learned that I cannot just make
these states happen, they come by themselves. But on the
other side I seem to be excellent at producing negative
states and turning on anger at will, thriving on it's heat
and power, feeling like a wrathful ancient God who is about
to destroy an entire nation.

Shaping the bodymind.

At this point I can count 1.5 years of Hatha Yoga
practice on my mental accumulations chart. I
started out with some ideas that I was going to
transform my total Being into pure light and walk
around Philly amazing people with my radiance.

So far none of that has been achieved and I have
even discovered that none of that is going to happen
from the exercises of Hatha Yoga.

What is happening is increased whole body strength,
meaning that every muscle, bone, tendon, ligament,
joint, and general body part is simultaneously stretched
and toned as much as possible. Scanning constantly
through the day the condition of the bodymind I know
there is less tension than a month ago, and I remember
what it was like to be really "crunched up" a year ago
when I was still drinking.

If the body is not tense then the Mind begins to relax
and this has been important to the recovery work I
am doing. I can say that in June of 2007 when I started
to experiment with Asanas and develop a routine for
myself was when I set in motion a process of making
whole the bodymind. Some mornings I had to force
myself to go through my sequences, while other
mornings I just got out of bed and went through the
paces and momentum did the rest.

Now Asana practice is a habit. And though I need to
psyche myself up sometimes, it does not take much
for me to get "into it".

Most people assume that you cannot do Yoga without
paying money for access to a teacher and their studio.
You may find it necassary for the social aspect, and
not feeling confident about doing it right. Or you may have
a personality like mine where you have body issues
and really do not need the distraction of other human
beings in a studio environment.

Frankly I am not a fan of all the "spiritual trappings"
that I see in various Yoga studios, nor am I a fan of
the "Yoga Spaz", that will spout off unfounded assumptions
about various components of philosophy and practice.
The kind of content you find in Yoga lifestyle magazines
is deeply suspicious ,and comparing that to the writings
of Patanjali and other "old school" Yogins one may detect
some dissonance.

What is important is learning how to dwell in your own
body, and for some of us this is a difficult process. I have
been taught to hate my body, because I am short, and
not symmetrical, by the various standards of society
and it's entertainment medias. So even after 1.5 years
I have made much progress in self-image, but still
have so much unlearning to do.

In Buddhist practice we learn that the body is subject
to decay , old age, disease, and death, so none of us get
too excited about our shape or physique when we look
in the mirror, but the temptation is there after so many
years of self-hatred, to think you are hot as sh&^*T!!.

It's a nice feeling to be happy with one's looks, but the
attachment to those feelings as a basis for self-esteem is
setting yourself up for a letdown.

I would rather train my Mind to have real self-acceptance
based on the actions of the body in how it serves other
human beings.

More important than Hatha Yoga are it's sister aspects
of Karma, Bhakti, and Jnana Yoga which can provide
something lasting , a new perspective that infuses the
Mind with knowledge and experiences that expand the
bodymind rather than contract it. I go so far as to say
that you can wrap up Karma,Bhakti, and Jnana Yogas
into a package called ,"buddhayana".

The Invisible Hand.

In the past 2 weeks I have gotten into the
swing of AA and discovered it's power to
bring those that are suffering out of their
"hole" and into a place of light.

Though I already was part of a strong tradition
in studying BuddhaDharma, I am doubly blessed
to now have a sponsor, a veteran AA person
who is going to be a teacher and a mentor,
a guide in Way of Recovery. I have been through
a the majority of the steps already with my
addiction therapist, but now I am looking forward
to this process where perhaps some new depths
can be sounded.

I have recently read a biography of Bill Wilson, the
founder of AA , written by Susan Cheever, so I
have some insight into the Mind of the co-founder
of the movement. I was happy to read that Carl
Jung and William James influenced the formation
of the spiritual principles that give AA it's backbone.

These days my agnosticism has been transformed from
confidence that one can never know if the Universe
is governed by a Power, to trust in that Power which
I have sensed as being the Universe itself. For many
years I referred to "God" as the ,"Invisible Hand". The
intelligent force that I see working in our world, in
our galaxy, in our Universe. The problem with this
is that subjectivity is that nature of these perceptions
and to convince a skeptical human being is difficult,
so I learned to think of this "Invisible Hand", question
it's nature, and feel it's presence in my heart and be
silent about it all.

In regards to the 12 steps this means I have no problem
surrendering to this "divine force", trusting that I will
find sanity because that is the natural state of our Beings,
and that if you focus on this possibility you gain the
momentum to arrive in and dwell in this state of grace.

So far I have seen no "dissonance" between my Buddhist
practice and that of my 12 step practice, and this has
been confirmed further by my consultations with other
members of AA who are familiar, sympathetic with, and even
practitioners of the Dharma.

Of course my spiritual life is not wrapped up into a nice
tight little package. I know better than to assume that
challenges will not arise, I know the contents of the Mind,
I know what it's "dark" corners and rooms hold. The
relief I feel comes from belonging to a series of communities;
My sangha, my AA groups, my workplace, and even my
family, who are separated by distances, but still keep
in touch.

I have learned to question, be suspicious of authority from
a variety of sources, and recently I have been thinking
about the writings of Krishnamurti, who counsels us to
look deeply into our assumptions, into our motivations,
and how our conditioning creates our worldview," for the
world is us, and we are the world".

So if some fear that I am getting to deep in to the AA "cult",
be sure that I am taking everything I come across in
meetings and literature with a spirit of inquiry learned
from the best masters of our history.

I have encountered some criticism of AA/NA on the web and
the possibility that the program is in fact a cult. (Search google
with the appropriate keywords and perhaps you will come
across the articles I found). And the abuses are possible, and
I have seen some "intense" AA folks who are gung ho about
the process, and getting newcomers to "stay".

In terms of my new sponsor, I am confident that he only does
this kind of work to help other addicts and alcoholics recover
and teach the process in turn to "newcomers". So I don't
don't expect to be locked into some AA safehouse being
brainwashed and turned in to a "recovery-bot". I listen
to the signals I get from the heart, and know what to do
about zealots and fanatics.

I bow to the Enemy who is my teacher.

I see just how deeply HATRED, my archenemy and
my greatest teacher, runs within the artificial concept
of "my self".

I have been ruminating about this issue for months,
noticing without excessive judgement the quality
and quantity of aversion, and it's components and
permutations that manifest in my perceptual
environment.

I notice how even in my best moods, I am still creating
divisions and boundaries between my self and the
world, it's people, it's objects and situations. The
activity is subtle and I may be speaking to you with
apparent loving kindness but below or above that is
the "overtone" emotion or thought of evaluation and
catagorizing.

Walking around Philly is one of my main activities. To
and from work, errands, social events, AA meetings,
and a weekly Sangha practice session and talk. I am
breaking all this down through Mindfulness practice
into bits, micro-occurances that are seen as a stream
of information.

I have been seeing how the environment I walk through
sets off HATRED. And for the most part not open
hostility, or the will to create harm, but simply making
constant judgements about what is "good or bad" I
see how aversion holds the Mind in it's grasp, and how
this "witness" awareness can step out of this cycle.

This practice is suggested by a variety of teachers and
explained through the metaphor of a film reel. All these
bits of events processed through our perceptual mechanism
flow at such a rate that we cannot really see how the
processing occurs. We get caught up in our constant
judging and catagorizing, these subtle forms of aversion,
craving, and delusion.

We have this power to deconstruct our reality and take
full responsibility for every iota of our thought-stream and
apply Mindful awareness like a blowtorch to enact alchemical
reactions and set in motion the engine of liberation.

Looking back at previous blog posts I touch on this problem
all the time, and I have no qualms about rephrasing it, and
I hope to be blessed with further understanding.

I know my enemy, I know what force can undo the balance
of Mind every time in every situation. This affliction has been
with me for 30 years or more, virtually my whole life, and
has caused unfortunate results that in turn produced more
of the same hateful thought patterns.

Where did the root of this HATRED grow from?

I know this also. The simple fact of division and boundary
creating, "I am not OK, and you might or might not be
OK according to my delusional standards of what OK is."

This one thought pattern," I am not OK", has dogged
me and manifested as SHAME, the sense of unworthiness
that is in my view the number one threat in our society.

Our collective consciousness emits this signal," We are
not OK, We are not Ok, We are not Ok....", and to cope with
this we have created our land of convenience, or artificial
paradise of instant gratification that is fueled by the
Industrial/Media complex that is like a massive breast,
feeding us all through the various communication networks.

Since I have chosen a life of clarity through abstaining from
alcohol I have discovered the possibility of being "OK", and
I owe this germinal thought to the years of study and
practice of various principles encountered through the
teachers who transmit BuddhaDharma.

It took some time for this basic idea of security to be saturated
into my thick skull. I deserve to be "OK", despite the fact
that I am IMPERFECT, and these two concepts do not contradict
each other.

I hope to see myself as if I was looking with the eyes of a
being who has infinite mercy and compassion, a being
composed of pure Love that cannot erode me with judgement.

And in turn I see the world with these same eyes, and see
everything as arising from the Source of All Being, Dharmakaya.

a.k.a GOD.

Yay!!

Congratulations Barack Obama.

You make us look good to a world that thinks we
are a bunch of info-tainment obsessed boobs,
children who live only to be dazzled by their techno-
wonderland and it's revolving pantheon of dieties
called"celebrities".

I say the the world, take a look at Americans a little
more closely and in fact we can turn of our magic
consumer fairyland for a minute and make some
kind of decent future for ourselves.

Oh please President- Elect Obama do not turn out
to be a secret white knuckle ex-alcoholic who was pushed
into being President against his better nature by his
family who never really cared about his feelings at
all.

( A common problem on our society where children
are encouraged to ignore their emotional states
in favor of becoming super awesome participants
in an artifical society created "for our benefit").

Mr Obama!!, I hope you find that surrender is an
act of bravery, and humility is the secret weapon of
the strong ones. I know you will pick a Secretary of
State that will eat some large helpings of crow in the
various Foreign Ministries of the nations we have
alienated on our quest to bring to life the glories of
the Cold War.

I am afraid you will not find our arch-enemy Osama
bin Laden because I suspect he is long dead and being
kept alive as a kind of virtual zombie to serve the
propaganda interests of warring ideologies. Perhaps
you will not be privy to the dirty little secrets of the
Neo-Con directed early 21st century foreign policy
and that may be a blessing for you.

I foresee that you find satisfaction of your own vision
in creating an environment of possibility through
domestic policy, injecting optimism into the collective
Mind of our society.

Think hard about using your first term as a launching pad
for your second term, in that you may achieve in 4 years
a great deal that can be undone in 8 years. Meaning you
can determine just how much "change" can be squeezed
into a first term instead of counting on winning the 2012
election.

Strike now while the iron is hot!!!

We won't know what hit us, and we won't Mind either.

Friction.

This morning I woke up after a fairly long sleep,
(well deserved after the hard work at my job in
the kitchen this week), and almost immediately
was struck by a case of DOUBT in regards to the
practices I engage in each morning.

That Doubt is always there as the "questioning Mind"
in general, a constant appraisal and re-appraisal of
the meditative practice, more specifically the action
of sitting still on my cushion and seeing with "bare
attention".

Am I trying to meditate?...or am I actually meditating.


Who is meditating?

Why?

How?

When?

Where?

For 10 years and more I have experimented with and
researched the various kinds of disciplines that are known
as contemplative/meditative and finally 1.5 years ago
I settled into the basic Yogic sitting meditation practice
of sensing the body, sensing the flow of Prana in the
body/mind complex. And then 9 months ago learning
the practice of Vipasana and taking that on as my main
"thing".

This falls into line with the idea that to start a practice
you begin with Samatha-Bhavana, "calm abiding" and
once you have learned to be in your body, you can move
into "insight practice" or Vipasana -Bhavana.

I have remarked in earlier posts that I wish to practice
Dharma completely, in every second,minute, hour of the
waking day, and even to the point of being in the "stream"
during my REM sleep. I have known intuitively that
a half hour of meditation every once and while is like
farting into a windstorm in terms of effectiveness.

I Doubt the concept of the "sitting period" because I see
the potential of being "meditative" at every point in the
waking life. Therefore the sitting period becomes redundant
and just a formality, a way of showing respect to the lineage
of Buddhist's going back 2500 years, and Yogins going back
even further. And even the Shamans going back eons who
did not have to meditate because they were at One and
in Harmony with their inner and outer environment all
the time without thinking about it.

Why waste that 30 to 45 minutes each morning when I could
be reading or doing something else?

My only justification is that I am doing nothing else but sitting,
watching the body, the breathing, the sensations, the thoughts
and emotions, and contemplating the Dharma.

I am simply training the Mind to take on the habit of this
kind of awareness.

I see the source of this DOUBT in aversion, and craving, and
ignorance.The 3 headed hydra, the monster of afflictions
that exists in our Primordial Mind and is the root of the "3 evils".

I have heard Jack Kornfeld talk about how we are subject
to all 3 afflictions, but only one is our main issue.

You might have read that HATRED is my problem, above
the other 2 afflictions.

This emotion I struggle with even today, minutes before I
sat down to this computer at the library. I walk about an
hour to this location, where the wonderful section of
Buddhist knowledge sits on shelves, and I enjoy the
possibilities of what I may experience because I walk
through so many different neighborhoods on the way here.

Most of the time my heart is light, and I radiate loving kindness
naturally....I have worked hard all week and Saturday is
my day!!!.

Today is a sunny day, and ironically my heart is clouded with
aversion.

I fear that the root of hatred that arises from the Primordial
Mind is too strong to cut through the meditative practice
and I need a kind of Wisdom that I do not find in Dharma
at all.

This kind of Doubt is apparently the most dangerous of all.

Me and my Sangha

Imagine 16 human beings sitting in a tent, approx
20 feet long, and 12 feet in width and height. This
tent has mesh walls so you can see into it. These human
beings are all sitting crossed legged in rows, lined
up in front of 3 other human beings who at various
points in the span of 6 hours ring a small Tibetan
resonating bowl, and speak at length on a subject
the people in the tent listen to silently.

For the first 2 or 3 hours the sky is overcast and
the trees above the tent bend and shake in the wind,
sending raindrops accumulated from the night before
onto the roof of the tent, making an unholy racket
that sometimes drowns out the speakers in front
of the group.

Then in the last 3 hours a storm comes through in
waves and the wind and rain pick up, threatening
to blow out other tents in the campsite into the woods.

All the while these human beings are sitting, listening,
and sometimes leaving the tent and pacing back
and forth in slow motion, oblivious to what is happening
around them.

At one point they eat lunch and none of them speak
at all as if this campsite were reserved for a gathering
for the mute.

Towards late afternoon the rain and wind become torrential
and within one hour the campsite is broken down, essentially
a small village, and everyone is gone by evening.

This is perhaps what an observer, who had never heard of
a spiritual retreat before, would have seen this weekend
if they were in the locality of French Creek state park
here in Southeastern PA.

They might have said," Who are these mad folk who sit
in silence, not moving for 45 minutes at a time"?

I had anticipated this retreat for almost 3 months, being
the first time I would join other Buddhists, (or those who
who were not Buddhist and practiced meditation), deep
in the woods were we would expand our practice and
understanding of our,"selves" through the lense of Dharma.

It was a meeting of 3 groups of practitioners who are
affiliated with the "dharma punx" movement, meaning our
local teachers are in the lineage starting in present time
with Noah Levine, his teacher Jack Kornfield, his teacher
Thai monk Ajahn Chah, and his teacher Ajahn Muun.(sic).

The downtown and suburban Philadelphia, and Washington
DC groups all met on Friday night and got warmed up to
each other before getting to bed for a few hours and then
arising to begin our daylong retreat. This was all supposed
to culminate Sunday with the first meeting of a dedicated
practitioner's group comprised of folk from the Philadelphia
group, but the rain was just too much....we came back to Philly
and thankfully the group could meet at someone's house.

A house with a roof....on a sunny day!!

I had a personal agenda to get out in to some deep forest
and I managed to find some hiking trails that brought
me where I wanted to go. My mind has been saturated
with artifical, urban noises for too long and finally I was
able to do a short morning meditation by myself , deep
in the woods. I was still in city mode, so I barely could
appreciate the environment, and I thought about how
easily I could get some kind of transportation back out
to the park with camping gear and spend a weekend solo.

The crows called across the small valley I was in between
to low ridgelines, reporting their morning activity. Underneath
that was the wind blowing through dense trees and the
covering of leaves on the ground.

Growing up in Connecticut I had access through my backyard
to a state park and walking in the woods was one of my
favorite activities, something I really did not know how much
I missed in all my years of city living. In Philly we have
the massive Fairmount park system but there is always
someone who is blasting music , and if not that the roar
of the streets and automobile noise is present.

Although I have been practicing with this group for about
9 months it wasn't until this weekend that I felt myself
a part of something special. A strong cohesive movement
not only in our city, but countrywide due the efforts of Noah
Levine and his teachers who organize groups like "Philadelphia
Insight".

As a group we took refuge in the 3 jewels and truly we have
a Sangha to rely upon in all senses of the word.

May all beings achieve this kind of community no matter
what their tradition is.

Wandering Mind.

I had a memory surface during meditation that
gave me a smile. It was from about 26 years ago
when I took Karate at the local YMCA and it may
have been the first time I encountered the idea
of "being in the present moment".

As I have reported before in this blog I was a total
space cadet as a child, and even up until a few
years ago. I remember standing in line with other
students listening to the teacher, and I kept looking
over at the group of kids who were real young
and all the sudden the teacher got in my face and
said: " if you think they are so interesting you
can study with them", banishing me at the age
of 12 to the 1st grade section of the class.

He noticed that I had not been paying attention
and of course taught me a lesson and I spent the
rest of the session doing basic stuff, ironically
looking back over to my normal group and
not paying attention.

I think I might have been offended and gave up martial
arts after that.

I don't hold a grudge against this guy because really
I got used to being yelled at by gym teachers, school
teachers, and anyone else who saw that I was day-
dreaming and needed a good talking to.

I remember in the 10th grade playing basketball in
gym and being pulled off the court because I was just
standing there in a daze.

Thats the story of my life and perhaps why Mindfulness
practice began to interest me so much in my 20's. I
finally had a practical method to cut through my lack
of concentrative abilities, learn to focus and process
information.

Certainly as I had to start taking life seriously and earn
a living, learning the hard way that jobs are kept by
focused effort and not staring into space.

I don't think anyone in my family knew what to do with
me or knew the extent of my tendency to disassociate
from the present moment. I don't blame anyone but
perhaps I needed some kind of special education teacher
much earlier who could have taught me some basics
of Mindfulness.

There are thousands of kids who probably have this kind
of issue, and our education system cannot deal with the
"oddities", wanting to produce the next wave of participating
consumers who will fall into line with societie's demands
and not develop actual personalities.

As I read a bit about Asperger's syndrome and autism, I
come close to self-diagnosis of some kind of milder version
of Asperger's. I read recently the novel", Curious Incident
of a Dog in the Nightime", and I thought I was reading a
version of my own childhood. The story is about a young
Autistic fellow who sets out to solve the murder of a dog
in his neighborhood. Check it at your favorite bookstore,
it's authored by a British fellow named Mark Haddon.

(Ironically I worked at a bookstore for 2 years and did
nto give this book a second glance).

I hesitate to label myself with that disorder considering
how I have learned to survive in the "real world" here
in Philadelphia, developing the life skills that allow me
to have held management positions and high stress
gigs around town that no Autistic person would be able
to tolerate.

If I meet or see a child that is obviously mentally or emotionally
challenged Compassion and Loving kindness arise
strongly in my heart. Memories come flooding back and
I have to remind myself that I did not have things half as bad
as some kids did., though I carry much sorrow about
my past.

Stealth Practice.

It finally dawned on me that not everyone finds
Buddhadharma or Buddhism in general to be as
fascinating are stupendously cool as a I do.

Various clues have been coming together into my
head and forming this theory that on the surface
level Buddhist teachings are difficult to understand
and lack immediacy. Folks will be turned off or
just dismissive according to their level of ignorance
or curiosity.

I was attracted to the Buddhist writings immediately
some years ago but even then it took awhile for
me to motivate myself to go to Dharma talks and get
involved with a meditation practice., let alone making
public vows to live the 5 precepts and take refuge
in the 3 jewels,( Buddha, Dharma, and Sangha).

It takes a reader, one who gets most of their information
from books, one with a Mind that enjoys knowledge
about religious history. One with a heart acutely tired
of their own suffering and the suffering of others, who
wants a solution, a system of values and conduct that
leads to relief from afflictive Mind states.

Being able to apprehend psychological/emotional
concepts, and a prediliction to be able to see ones own
feelings is helpful also.

This is just one formula, as many individuals end up as
confirmed devotees of the Buddhayana in ways I cannot
anticipate.

The illiterate, electronic media addicted, attention challenged
hungry ghosts that we call the "modern global citizen"
is not predisposed to fall into such a Way as the Buddha
folks practice. You can get all the 20 minute documentaries
from the Discovery channel you want but still have no
creation of a Dharmaseed, no basis for growth as a disciple.

Since the majority of my fellow Americans, and Westerners
are subject to the currents of there own Delusions, Cravings,
and Aversions, existing as virtual Zombies in the "techno-
wonderland", I begin to feel like some sort of oddity,
a freak who does not participate in the happy happy fun
time of our way of living.

We have so much in common as human beings, as I am
subject to the same Ignorance, Desires, and Hatreds, the
afflictive emotions as others, I just choose to simplify
my life, reducing my carbon footprint, and my karmic
imprint, taking the advice of the Buddha," to live lightly
in the world".

I have no TV in my house, and I watch films very rarely
these days, having only 2 radios to listen to the Phillies
and the Sixers, and the news, and occasionally some music.
As my practice has deepened I require more and more
"silence", as much as I can get living in the city.

I rely upon the Free Library system to use a computer
and write this blog, as an internet connection would be
just another distraction in my "sanctuary".

Lots of people can't believe that you can live without
the constant presence of TV.

The Mind absorbs more and more of the practice, and
habits change. and thus the people I see everyday at
work and around town seem like oddities themselves.
their daily goings on are difficult for me to commiserate
with, so I try and say as little as possible beyond the
ball busting and kidding around that are normal for a
bar kitchen.

On top of that I am sober, and in a town like Philly you
are the rarity, judging by the sheer number of places
to get drunk, and the scarcity of AA meetings, and
attendees.

I understand exactly what the folks who are partying
are going through and why they involve themselves in
those kinds of activities, none of them can convince me
they are "having a good time". But I refrain from being
a busybody and let folks find their own way out of their
sufferings as proscribed by the Brahmavihara of
Equanamity.

STEALTH is my new byword for the condition and quality
of my practice, keeping my mouth shut as much as possible
and going about my business, saying nothing about the
Buddhayana. Plenty of folks know what I practice and they
make plenty of jokes too, sometimes relentless pokes at
my so called, "peace of Mind' that is the assumed mental
state of Buddhists.

The Legion of the Sober.

So for a month I have been checking out the Alcoholics
Anonymous scene here in Philly at the behest of my
therapist. Initially I was impressed by the meetings
I was going to but now I am getting suspicious and
not certain if I will continue.

My main problem is that AA claims to encourage it's
members to surrender to a higher power of their
own conception, yet in the "big book" which is the
story of AA's founding, the notions of "higher power"
are clearly Christian in origin. The newly sober AA
member is asked to believe in a God that is personal,
that is an exterior object that can reach in and ,"remove
shortcomings", and in general take away the ,"obsession
with drinking".

I sit in AA meetings and listen to folks talk about how
they would not have been able to stop drinking without
that mysterious "higher power", and that they were
helpless in the face of booze. Stopping short of mentioning
Christianity which I feel is in their next breath.

I have no issue with my fellow member's personal choice,
go ahead and be a good Christian, I dare you to follow
the Sermon on the Mount to the letter.

So far no one has really gotten in my face about my own
"higher power" which is the Buddhadharma, but I have
met one or two aggressive chaps who remidn me of
sharks circling a wounded seal. They seem to be addicted
to sponsoring newcomers and if you mention how you
actually have a life and have activities and hobbies to
keep you out of the bar their eyes go a little milky as
if they cannot compute this factor.

I have met some really soulful, humorous, balanced
people, but for the most part I see a lot of tired, banged
up old guys who seem to be stuck in a groove, and may
have replaced drinking with AA. Of course I tap into
Mindful Compassion and SEE these folk and what they
might be experiencing that is not on the surface.

I stopped drinking because I had no choice.

I have the advantage of strong aversion to alcohol.

The hangovers were too painful on the level of spirit
and the level of body, a complete day long course of
suffering. Ironically I never enjoyed the taste of beer
or hard liquor, I got trapped in it's effects and for 20 plus
years poisoned myself because I could not face my
feelings and emotions.

My story is common in AA, and there a people that I have
heard speak who went 100 times further into suffering
than I did. I attend a Men's group and most of these
guy's are truly "banged up" but have learned about the
highest ideal in AA which is "love and service", and have
reformed to regain the trust of their family and friends
through working the 12 steps.

Philadelphia, let alone the world, is full of the"addicts
who still suffer", and I wonder if the sports stadiums
could hold all at once a massive AA/NA meeting for
all those folk.

I am just one of millions, many who have no idea what
they are doing to themselves and other people. We have
the curse of lacking self-worth, Shame is endemic to our
society, and is the true agent of erosion that will bring
down the American Dream.

It's easy to just show up at the meetings, especially the
Men's group, which has provided me with the most
assurance that AA and it's 12 steps are a program that
I may gain some benefit from. I gain self-confidence in
my experience as valid and worthwhile by sharing my
story with this group of salty, inner city, "tough guy"
brigade who give nothing but positive vibes to anyone
who sits down in the "rooms of AA".

The Society of Freaks.

My actual Sangha , my fellow community, my tribe are
the legion of oddballs, freaks, nerds, dweebs, spaz's,
losers, underachievers, that have existed on the fringes
as long as folks have been noticing the divisions between
personality's.

Please do not think I am talking sh$%t about myself
either.

I am a proud , card carrying member of the fringe, even
though I admit to having a wish to be a part of the group
termed, "Neuro-typical", those who appear to be normal
and are featured prominently in fashion magazines.

Self -acceptance is a struggle, especially when one begins
the Dharma practice and the idea of "self" becomes difficult
to apprehend as a contruct, a singular identity that can
be isolated and observed the same way all the time.

I could argue that I am on the mild side of the Asperger
crowd, and the same part of the Bi-Polar spectrum, but
that is ridiculous as all those characteristics that provide
a rush to diagnosis are just that, characteristics, shifting
and in flux , subject to the laws of psychological relativity.

I am just Pete.

A human male, existing in the Samsaric world system, subject
to birth and death, old age and disease, craving and aversion.
A collection of atoms, molecules, cells, organs, body parts,
thoughts, emotions, sensations, perceptions, concepts,
judgements, and memories. All transitory and having no
intrinsic nature.

I have suffered much because I thought I was different from
others, because I was taught by the TV/media and various people
in my life that I was a bad person because I cannot be classified
within that part of the "normative spectrum".

This suffering I tried to erase, (or atleast temporalily get out from
underneath from), via self-medication, and thus I created more
suffering , more friction, more seeds for future "doom clouds".

I am grateful to be sober, to have the clarity and the strength to
BE myself totally, and handle all the things that the Mind delivers
in it's daily rounds. Imagine what it feels like to walk out of a
self-created prison and learn how to exist as a functioning,
relatively healthy PERSON.

Buddha made the decision to spread his Dharma and the first
folks he thought of were those who were dispossessed, the
members of the caste that were called "unclean", the ones who
society had only minimal use for and were to be forgotten in
time.

2500 years later that message reached my ears, and those
in my Sangha, and thankfully we are not deaf.

Morning to Night.

I have been seeing more deeply into this pattern
I have discussed before about how I feel in the
morning, and then when the day progresses I get
worn down and evenings become a battle to stay
awake and complete the days activity.

After Yogasana and morning sitting meditation
I finish reading some Dharma wisdom and go to
work. We get the kitchen ready for lunch service
and sometimes that means moving a thousand
pounds of foodstuffs in 1 hour. The next 6 hours
are a frenzy of physical and mental action which
all take the concentrative multi-tasking that
I struggle to handle sometimes.

Between the noise of the radio,( always tuned
to the soul/rb station my boss needs to get
through her day), my coworkers talking and
"ball busting", dishes and pots clanking, the
fryer and grill sizzling, and the roar from the
dining room during key Philadelphia sporting
events I come to the brink of "shutting down"
as if I was going to have a temporary bout with
autism.

I exercise mindfulness to the hilt in
order to maintain moment to moment
awareness and not fall apart or let my emotions
wind up into distracting affliction.

I like my job, and take pride in doing it well,
but I forget that even after 2 years and 2 other
kitchens I am still a rookie, and that it takes time
at my age to adopt and absorb new patterns.

Our kitchen produces the best,"bar food" in
Philly, everything is made fresh and as much
as possible from "scratch", and our regulars
want the same thing everytime. We are not
talking about common drunks who will eat
a piece of grease and salt off a paper plate.

Multi-tasking on that level is somewhat stressful
and I start to think of my real work, which I
do at home and involves my creative disciplines;
singing songs, playing guitar, painting, writing
and Buddhist/Yoga practice. This is what I want
to do full time and I wish I knew how to research
the kind of funding sources that allow other folks
to do stuff like this without having a day job.

It's easy in the morning to be content and feeling
wonderful , full of energy and possessing a sparkling
Mind, ( which is a relatively new thing now that I
am sober), it's another thing to practice Dharma
while under stress and pressure, and be aware
of the three afflictions that all Buddhist's know as
Greed, Hatred and Delusion and not let them
overwhelm our Minds and cause suffering to
arise.

I might be getting good at it though, catching
those thought patterns, when I could allow
"unwholesome" patterns to arise in the Mind and
make my experience in the Kitchen that more
tense. I see how I have to be responsible for my
thoughts and how they can lead to actions that
cause suffering for myself and others.

I can leave work in a decent mood, and not too
exhausted, and have a reasonable amount of
time to do my creative activities. It helps that
I walk for 30 minutes and can work off whatever
bothered me about that day.

I just signed a new lease for my apartment so I
was happy to reaffirm that space, my lair, my
sanctuary.

Again and again I am verifying the teaching of
Buddha as truth through actual experience.

The Money Eaters.

I have been concerned about this so called
"financial crisis", that is the top story in our
media and on the Minds of folks that I talk to
in my life.

I am not surprised that a possible depression
in our economy is becoming a reality considering
the values of our society, and in general the
cravings and aversion cycle present in the
heartMind.

None of us should be suprised in fact.

As I understand it this crisis is a result of folks
who spend more than they actually have in terms
of income. Including banks with massive assets,
and the individual consumer with a relatively small
profile in terms of financial wealth.

Our economy depends on the consumer to "eat"
up products and keep money moving out of their
bank accounts, mostly for things they don't need
or are told they need through the hypnotizing
power of our advertising industry.

I have heard the issue is all about "houses", and how
folks want to live in dwellings that they think will
give them happiness, and on the surface it does,
but really they are creating more suffering for
themselves. They assume they can pay for the
house, and the banks that own their houses and
act as landlords make this assumption and no
one is prepared for a sudden cash flow problem.

Everyone thinks a mortgage contract is a document
that provides certainty. I gave up my dream of
owning property because it occured to me that
the bank becomes the landlord you pay rent to,
and I might as well pay rent to an actual landlord
because I just don't know where I will be over
the course of a 30 year mortgage.

The craving for security runs deep within our
neural net, it's a primal component in our psyche
and no one is going to just do without that need.

The problem is when Greed enters into the mix,
and those who own the means of financial growth
and wealth equate their own security with profit,
and not a healthy business that does what is
supposed to, provide a service to a consumer.,
the ability to get loaned of a large sum of money
and pay it back over time.

I am loyal to our system of government, and our
way of life in general, which is innovation, personal
responsibility, altruism, and a recognition that
personal space is important. But we are gluttons
for things that provide no lasting happiness.

A society that feeds on junk and then excretes
that junk into piles that will suffocate us, masking
our best natures.

Lots of folks will blame the government, and this
so called ,"bail out", is a preemptive effort by the
Congress to save themselves politically," see?, we
did something to fix this problem" ,and the masses
expect a cure all from Washington and go back to
sleep.

We refuse to look at the root of this problem which
is a condition of our own Minds.

Frankly this "crisis" is nothing compared to what is
easily possible as a scenario for our society. I think
we are going to really suffer and experience once
again the traumas of the 30's, and even the Civil
War as a nation will break into pieces, or BE broken
by creditor nations around the world. Our country
becomes a asset to be liquidated.

Those who are satiated by entertainment media like
TV, radio, the internet, and all the infrastructures
built to proved convenience will find it difficult to
survive let alone prosper.

I think of my Buddhist practice partially as a training
for hardship, an effort to live frugally and at a level
of efficiency that will aid me in holding the proper
states of Mind when masses of refugees move across
North America looking for the basics of food ,shelter,
and decent work.

You can scoff at me all you want and go back to your
remote control, but clearly the time is coming when
societies are upended and those who were powerful
become vassals, and the," Third world", rises up to
take "first place".

The person who practices the Dharmayana takes nothing
for granted and sees all this infrastructure we depend
on as impermanent. The same being true for our political
system, and or communal set of ethical practices in
regards to human rights and "personal liberty".

And the Buddha has said," That which is dependent on
causes is empty of intrinsic nature".

Borderland.

During evening meditation periods I am rarely "awake"
and after 20-30 minutes I begin to fall asleep , sitting
upright in siddhasana. It's not exactly "good form" but
I think its interesting nonetheless.

I have experimented with a relaxation technique before
bed where I lie down in Shivasana and drift off breathing
deeply and slowly, and finding my unconscious Mind
bleeding into my conscious Mind , providing for a stream
of strange, absurd, surreal images and sometimes sounds
in that "borderland" state.

Well the same thing happens during these meditation periods
but all the more intense, and quickly flowing are the random
images. I do my best to maintain the objective ,"witness
consciousness" as proscribed in Vipassana practice but I
find myself waking up with a start after a minute or so of
snoozing and then it is time to get up and walk around.

Most mornings I am pretty awake after Yogasana but from
time to time I experience this hypno-gogic trance.

I pack alot of activity into my day so this is telling me I need
some kind of power nap, but fitting that in is not always
possible.

Yesterday I undertook an epic walking meditation where I
addressed my fear of heights, and general anxiety about
massive open spaces and vertigo. It only takes 30 minutes
to walk across the Ben Franklin bridge to New Jersey
and then you can walk around the Rutgers campus and
all the old apartment houses and buildings and the stark
flatness of the Camden waterfront which has better places
and views than Penn's landing.

Basically I walked as slowly as possible, mindful of my
breathing, and the space to either side of me. It was
a bit scary to look down and see the Delaware a few
hundred feet below at the center of the bridge.

That was pretty exhausting and when I went to sleep
later I had some issues with vertigo entering my dream
states and awaking startled.

I have heard of meditators sensing the gravity well of
the the Sun, as the Earth is apparently "falling" ,and
somehow our body blocks this feeling out with a
balancing mechanism.

The Mind is amazing.

Those of us who practice meditation have an infinity
of territory to explore.

I have known this as a component of my personality,
having no fear about unknown places.

Thus summer I walked around parts of Fairmount park
that I had not seen before and I felt "alive".

I have a deep sense of envy about the great explorers
throughout history....I identify with them, and their
story is my story.

The gloopy Mind syndrome.

I have noticed that there are basically 2 states
of Mind that are possible throughout the day
for me.

Energetic or fatigued.

Obvious to some, but when we begin to objectively
notice our Mind states in these 2 modes we learn
a few things about "danger zones" for unskillful
thoughts and actions.

The blood sugar gets low, the stomach is hungry for
proteins and starchs, there are low level anxieties
present, and one is far from the sources of satisfaction
for these body states. This is when the thoughts get
nasty, the world turns murky and grey and the sparkle
in my step goes away.

The body cries out for what it needs and the Mind suffers
an onslaught of requests , like a dog who barks and barks
until it is let outside) or in.

This is how powerful the "automatic Mind" is.

The veteran practitioner of meditation or BodyMind work
knows how to process these impulses, and see them
for what they are. We still suffer but develop the capacity
to quiet the hungry beast within, or the demanding little
baby that wants it's needs met immediately.

We call it tired and cranky.

Then we might be fortunate to have exercised our BodyMind
through Yoga or a similar discipline, cleansed our systems
through proper hydration and evacuation of wastes, and
plenty of sleep. Even after a long days work I find reservoirs
of energy and I am able to generate creativity to move some
paint or sing a song or two.

I want this to go on forever, to feel the power coursing through
my Being and feel connected to everything and everyone.

I have matured enough in my Dharma practice to accept that
all this goes in cycles, and when I am carrying "gloopy" Mind
it is normal, and when I have "sparkly" Mind it is also normal.

We accept the ebb and flow of personal tides, and getting
involved with craving for joy, or aversion to sorrow means
being stuck like flies in honey.

The Zen fathers say," when you are hot be hot, when you
are cold be cold".

I was thinking of "ebb and flow" while watching a few hours
of performances this weekend of music and devotional chanting
at the yearly festival organized by Krishna Consciousness
folk here in Philly.

They sounded great, but seemed to deflate when their session
wound down.

I thought to myself, " these folks are addicted to positive states
of Mind, and must fall apart when the roof leaks, or the car gets
a broken tailight".

In our society we want so much to exist in the happiness that
consumerism promises, an endless Country Time lemonade
commercial, unending Joy, that has no counterpoint to define
it as "Joy" so then all that becomes suffering eventually.

The Dharma practitioner is blessed and cursed with a look into
Reality.

Condition of the condition.

I have spent much time thinking about all
the factors that make up" my self" have
arisen from, meaning what has produced
the situation I am in now.

Conditioning is a term I have heard used
in a variety of conceptual systems in psychology,
wisdom traditions, and in general those folks
that want us to think about how our biology,
our upbringing, families, various communities,
and larger society have formed our idea of
what it means to be "us" and "me".

I have carried around much on my back through
life , not even knowing how big my parcel was
getting and just how heavy it was. I have suffered
from anxiety and been condemned as uptight,
unable to relax. This anxiety arose from confusion
and ignorance about all the ideas my overactive
imagination synthesized together into a worldview.

As a child/adolesecent I was chronically immature
and behind all my peers, reinforcing the assumption
that I was ,"not OK". This is a piece of conditioning
that grew as a syndrome and manifested as a rage
and bitterness.

Too young I knew HATE.

We expect children to be optimistic, energetic, responsive
beings who soak up the world, and then as teenagers
begin to test out and affirm what is good for us and
bad for us.

I missed this process, or extended it way beyond its
"normality", well into my 30's.

The first emotion to become the ruling part of my"self"
was fear, and this pattern was behind every decision I
made in youth and early adulthood.

In Buddhism we talk about aversion and craving, and
how we are constantly bouncing between these 2 polarities
on automatic pilot, unable or unwilling to make mindful
choices and SEE how this is creating karmic imprints,
and future suffering.

Oh I am guilty of aversion, and then behind it the craving
for introspection, withdrawing into the imagination and
being the classic daydreamer. It could be argued I spent
my entire primary and secondary education period in
a fantasy land.

I am not the only one, as our society forms itself on the future,
the Promised Land, the "american dream", of something
better, because right now is never good enough. We are
conditioned to be like hungry animals, always pacing
our cages because our handlers never feed us ENOUGH.

I have learned how unravel these emotions, these primal
feelings of need, and hunger, and want. I cannot destroy
them or eradicate them, but transform them.

The ugly part of my "self" is hatred, as thought forms and
unfortunatley for me and others, actions. I have no problem
saying this publically, because there is nothing to fear
about acknowledging what has caused suffering in our
personal histories.

Since I have begun the practice of objective awareness of
Mind States, I catch myself many times a during the day
thinking nasty thoughts about other people and myself,
and instead of judging those thoughts as "right or wrong"
I just notice them and let them pass.

Gradually I replace aversive thinking patterns with those
of loving kindness, and compassion, and sympathetic
joy. Not forced is this process, because if aversion is
diminished you make space for something new.

I have despaired and thought all those conditioned patterns
were permanent, and I would be afflicted for the rest of
my days.

This is how mercy is present in Dharma practice, we can
cleanse ourselves, and not wait for some imaginary diety
to do it for us.

Summer.....?

I start to sneeze from ragweed and I know the
summer is transitioning into "indian summer"
which will last until November 1st here in Philly.

Then we get a mild autumn and after the new year
actual freezing weather until March.

I did not have to go anywhere to enjoy a nice
warm season., Philly was blessed with not
too many heat waves and low humidity alot
of days. Frankly I got a bit too much sunshine
in my heart, and you might have slapped the
goofy grin right off my face if you saw me.

In the spring I found the strength to quit drinking
and replace that behavour with reignition of my
painting practice, learning how to enjoy abstract
methods for their own sake and quieting the folks
who reside in my memories who "got to me" , the
ones I allowed to criticize me into a state of inaction.

I sacrificed my social life in the old watering hole
for the concentration necessary for painting.

I devoured alot of art books at the Free Library,
refamiliarizing myself with the history of western
culture, a subject I was "keen" on in art school
under the tutelage of well known public intellectual
Camille Paglia....she has no idea how I learned
how to "see" art and culture just be listening
to her commentary in class....I regained some
of that "sight" this summer.

I sang old and new songs that I kept hidden for fear
someone would hear me. I found deep satisfaction
in my self indulgent balladeering, but remained
realistic of my chances for world wide fame as a
musician considering the sheer number of singer
songwriters who are part of the Americana tradition.

This summer's psychological theme was "freedom'.

I took epic walks around neighborhoods and various
areas of Fairmount park that I had no seen in over
10 years. Mindful of the breath, the body, and the
thoughts and emotions that arose.

I was lonely though, holding envy in my heart when
I saw happy couples spending time together, and even
groups of folks experiencing the commiseration of
the group Mind.

It's difficult to be sober in a town full of party people.

Those feelings were handled by the use of non-judgemental
awareness, but they still had weight and gravity.

I started this blog as a mirror to the one I have on myspace
so that family and friends can take a look at what I have
to say if they wish....a sort of personal perestroika, a
thawing of relations with my own society.

And I was grateful for my weekly meetings with the
Philadelphia Insight Sangha, and the possibilities it
represents in terms of socializing and my of course
Dharma practice.

Obama.

Politically I form my views and opinions out
of my identity as a Buddhist, and this is not
a forced action, " oh I have to think this way
because it is the Buddhist way", but because
I have absorbed the Dharma into my total
being and therefore respond naturally with
Compassion to political issues.

I vote Democrat because the large majority of it's
candidates appear to be "for the people", and
recognize the interdependency of our society,
my actions affect your life, and vica versa. They
understand that relativity is not just a concept
in physics, but is present in all aspects of Being
and so the Mindful person looks at every piece
of phenomena on a "case by case" basis.

I am certainly not interested in a "nanny state"
a bloated welfare society where the folks who
have given up on life feed off a government that
itself exists because of high income tax rates.

Democrats are frequently condemned as virtual
Communists for believing that human beings are
sometimes in deep trouble and need help to
bring their lives back into balance.

No one wants to be dependent on outside sources
for the basics.

Thankfully social programs exist....though Compassion
is over-legislated and the original intentions get
overlooked.

I have taken the 1st precept of the lay disciple:

"Abstaining from harming living beings"

This means I do not support armed conflict as an
option in foreign affairs.

The War in Iraq is a waste of manpower, and a drain
on our financial resources....though the result is to
ensure that middle eastern oil supplies remain in
the control of Western powers..instead of Russian,
Iran, or Chinas hands.

Lets be grown up about this, our society of convenience
would fall apart without Oil.

Al-Qaeda and various Islamic radicals would do me
serious harm just because I am an American, this
I understand, however that does not mean I have
to despise them automatically.

As Buddhists we practice maintaining awareness of
our emotions, and seeing the world as it is.

The guys who flew jets into our skyscrapers and caused
the deaths of thousands were holding a Mind of deep
ignorance, and allowing hatred to rule their Minds,
instead of practicing "right views", the first component
of the 8 fold path.

My point is that all the enemies and friends alike of
our society are human beings just like myself ,and
surface attributes are transitory and not important.

For me to express or hold hatred is damaging to my
own being, and damaging to others if I convey those
emotions outwards.

I don't understand fighting fire with fire.

I like Barack Obama because he is a man that has
consideration.

I know where he comes from and what forms his psyche.

Obama understands the concept of interdependency.

He is not going to swagger around the world hitting people
over the head with a baseball bat and calling it "diplomacy".

I like communicators and Obama is going to talk to
our "enemies" and "friends" alike.

Muslims like to talk and perhaps if we had done a bit more
of that during the late 70's and 80's the Taliban would not
have formed into what it is today and Osama bin Laden would
not have all that hatred to feed off.

We as Americans think we were solely responsible for saving
the world and winning World War 2, and the "cold war".

In reality the worlds geo-political history is a multi-function
affair, with a variety of actors and stagehands.

We are arrogant and arrogance never produces Peace.

John McCain told us he "hates war"...I don't believe that and
I think he wants to use our military forces to dominate the
earth.

Our true survival as a society demands eating some crow and
learning how to make friends and play nice.

Buddha is a f%%^cking genius!!!

I have been reading a book by Wes Nisker called
"Buddha Nature", which discusses the stages
of Vippasana through evolutionary biology and
the science of the body in general. I came across
a concept that has clarified what meditation is
"all about".

"Reactivity to the Primal Mind".

Wes tells us that there are actually 3 brains contained
within our skulls, the "lizard" brain, the limbic node,
and then the cortex that allows us to be the humans
we are today.

The "lizard" or reptilian Mind is apparently responsible
for our most primal, automatic drives, below the level
of emotion and reason. And then growing around that
in our evolution is the limbic node, which is the "monkey"
Mind.

And around all that like a piece of cabbage around a
sausage is the part of the brain that allows us to think
about things in terms of comparison and the reduction
of phenomena into patterns.

Budda spoke about conditioning and I think before the present
time of neuro-science he had understood that the deep level
wiring of reactive action causes suffering and that the one
who extinquishes the afflictions has sunk their awareness
into this original Mind and rooted out these instinctual
drives.

I have heard before of ancient practitioners of wisdom traditions
"discovering" the present theories of science many centuries
ago, but now I am really kinda blown away by it.

This morning while reading about this I just sat in my chair
with a sense of profound respect for the life of Siddhartha
Guatama and what he accomplished.....It is almost unbelievable
how one human being, 2500 years ago, uncovered such
an inherent potential for Wisdom, "the dharma eye", and
all of us are welcome to follow his path, with no thing or person
really able to stand in our way.

Maybe it was Wes's perspective on it, and his writing style.

I wonder if I have been waiting for this one piece of information
for 20 years. I anticipated understanding how to "re-program"
my own Mind someday when I was a teenager., but I never
quite discovered it, or overlooked what was in front of me
all the time.

And here it is, Vippasana, a method of observing these various
components of Mind, and like a scientist, dissecting your ," self"
with laser awareness, and perhaps cutting away all the
conditioning that obscures the root Mind, the original being
that is called "Buddha nature".

Check this book out for yourself, Nisker is onto something
like Fritjof Capra with the "Tao of Physics" and Gary Zukav's
"The Dancing Wu Li Masters".

It was refreshing to have my world rocked a bit, as I was
unsure if anything like that was going to come my way
again.

What was and might still Be.

Boredom strikes even the most active folks
and we find ourselves sitting around with nothing
to do, no distractions to appease craving.

That feeling is like Hell for the person who has
not learned to practice Mindfulness and pay attention
to the flow of the moment stream.

I remember a friend telling me how his radio broke
in his car and during his 45 minute commute to work he
could not handle the "boredom" of silence, and just
sitting and driving his car down the highway.

This is a person who must have the TV on all day, even
while he is sleeping. Some kind of electronic transmission
must be radiating it's presence in his environment or
he gets,"itchy".

He told me he could not face the thoughts that arise when
the darkness and silence of "sleepytime" were at hand.

You could argue," that is what makes that guy happy"., so
who am I to point out his preferences as "bad or good".

I think my friend, and millions of others like him have
lost their humanity., and all of us in some way or another
are out of sync with our natural beings, in a state of
imbalance.

This is the essential problem of our modern life, we are so
cut off from our own BodyMind due to the advances of
technology that we are virtual prisoners of convenience.

Our aversion to suffering created a need for gadgets and
devices and before we knew it we lost those abilities
possessed by neo-lithic/tribal humans that provided for
skill and ingenuity in natural environments.

I consider the "fall " from paradise to be when we began
to superimpose the artificial over the natural, thus creating
a dissonance that has caused a common suffering for
the last 8,000 years or so of "civilization".

The Buddha discovered this and saw how our Minds become
creators of false selves through ignorance. We are dislocated
from our original nature, and our suffering is caused
by this friction between two modes of being.

A while ago I understood that the Universe is a kind of
book, a gathering of inderdependent streams of past events
funneled through the present moment, a cork being tossed
about on a quantum potentiality field.

The Universe is information, and so is our BodyMind
complex, and both are fields that can be "read", made
aware of with our senses and processed into catagories.

Mindfulness is sitting around and reading the world as
if it were a "good" book.

The problem is our Mind catagorizing and imposing
those divisions in the form of assumptions onto people,
places, things, and events.

Our assumptions never conform exactly the way we want
to those phenomena and we have suffering.

We maintain detachment from the "book" and see the
unfolding without involving our emotions, and perhaps
we are lucky enough to gain some relief from the world
of birth and death, becoming and decay, here and there,
up and down, he and she, us and them, and I and mine.

Sayonara Libido.

When I was a younger man I had no ability to
keep myself together when I met a girl that
caught my attention, especially a young lady
that was physically gifted. I frequently became
obsessed and sent too many love letters off.

I have never been good at actual verbal communication
so I developed the art of the romantic message
to convey my feelings and appreciation.

Women have intense power over me and I have
suffered mightily with delusions created and
carried on too far in the Mind.

A large batch of my mistakes in life was really
messing up relationships with young ladies that
I have been involved with, either demonstrating
jealousy, or emotional neglect, causing suffering
and certainly paying for it in long periods of
involuntary celibacy.

Frankly I am guilty of being an a#$hole.

The roots of this behaviour in my psyche are nothing
new in the history of relationships., and acknowledging
them has been helpful but really what is skillful
or beneficial is learning how to adjust my thinking
about women thought by thought.

I have said before that I cannot destroy my Ego but
I can transform it.

The Buddha was asked once," Look at that beautiful
lady...why do you not desire her, why does she not
tempt you to break your vow of celibacy"?

He replied," All I see is ashes on the funeral pyre".

That does not mean he wants to burn beautiful women
to death, but that he sees first with the Dharma Eye
her impermanency, the fact that she will grow old and
die, and that to be drawn into her surface qualities will
cause suffering.

In my late 30's my sex drive has diminished considerably,
so that I am less tormented by the need to be close and
intimate with women. This is actually a blessing as I move
into a more focused practice of Dharma.

Philadelphia is now welcoming back all the young , nubile
college chicks, and I look at all of them with the
wisdom I have gained. I see entanglements that will
cause suffering for myself.

It's ironic that I can now talk to women calmly and with
respectful thoughts in my head, I don't babble and
stammer. They sense my confidence and flirt but
I just don't care.

Suffering.

In the morning's during my "formal" Buddhist
practice I vow to practice Compassion for that
day. I visualize myself recognizing the suffering
of every person I encounter and at the same
time seeing my own suffering.

This sounds creepy , as if I am seeing the shadow
side of everyone, dwelling on the negativity
that can arise in consciousness.

It's a form of continuous awareness, without
judgement, of the basic condition of the Mind.

If I am feeling clear I can look into the faces of
people on the street and see their emotional state,
and instead of saying to myself," that is not me",
I experience the understanding of interdependency
because "that is me".

This is a powerful practice, one in which the Ego,
dense in it's build up of "selfness", is transformed
from a rigid pattern of conceptions into a configuration
of thoughts and feelings that flows like a stream.

In a city like Philadelphia most people are in a state
of constant anxiety, dwelling on the past and future
to an acute degree unlike most regions and locations.

Violence, dissapointment, uncertainty, fixation on
providing just the basics of food, shelter, and decent
work for oneself, are what clouds this city in a kind
of mental pollution.

This is a segregated city, even with all the civil rights
laws on the books, and we are divided up into our
neighborhoods. The condition of separation creates
suffering, and few of us can have the Mindfulness
to look squarely at others and recognize that we
are primarily similar and our differences are surface
attributes and transitory.

I see happiness, thankfully, or I would have left a
long time ago. People smile, they laugh, they bust
balls, they communicate, they express themselves
crudely or with finesse.

Compassion is a gift.

I blocked this ability because I was not strong enough
to handle other people's emotions, I am sober, the Mind
is clear, and I can smile when you smile.

All the noise, the traffic, the stink, the excessive lights
and colors, the pushing, the hustling and bustling.

What a gorgeous mess.

I know your heart because it is my heart.

Not so fast cowboy!!!

It's actually nice to be sober, 5 months after
hitting a massive brick wall that I had created
over 20 years of self-medication.

I am aware that pride can seep into my newfound
strength and I am in danger of strutting around
town thinking I am impervious to relapses and
"stumbles".

I have learned that even deeper addictions than
what can be ingested into the body are possible,
and that our states of Mind and the chemical
reactions associated with various emotions and
thoughts are themselves addictive.

I am addicted to the endorphines that course
through my nerve and blood pathways and give
me that "high" after certain yogasana's.

I am addicted to the pleasure of a job well done
and the approval one gets from others in the
workplace.

I am addicted to the chemical that is associated
with the superiority complex I walk around with
because I know the secrets of the exotic Asian
Mind masters.

I am addicted to the satisfaction of the creative
act, making pretty noises with my guitar and
vocal chords, arranging lovely shapes and colors
and textures onto surfaces with paint.

See my point?

We are also addicted to our negative states, and I
am one who is guilty of stewing in his own sh*&^t,
luxuriating in the complex shades of emotions that
the depressive Mind holds.

Greed(clinging) Hatred(aversion) and Delusion,
(ignorance), is what erodes the practice of the Buddhist
and they arise of their own accord because they are so
deeply a part of us.

These thought patterns cannot be destroyed, but they
can be transformed through the non-judgemental
awareness of meditation.

I can transform Greed into generosity and non-attachment,
Hatred into loving-kindness and compassion, Delusion
into constant mindful awareness of what our reality
consists of.

Crybaby!!!

I was reminded recently by a friend about taking
things personally, and that just because she doesn't
have time to return my emails immediately does
not mean she was not thinking about me or that
I had fallen out of favor.

Taking things personally is a blindspot in my psyche
and I can get quite carried away with illusionary
thoughts about what another person is thinking
about me, or their behaviours, or why things
happen to me, or what people really mean when
they say things.

I have struggled over the course of my life with
understanding what is real and not real.

I have never taken teasing, ballbusting, or any
kind of "joking" well and thus have been labelled
as ,"too sensitive".

In my elementary school years I was capable of
projectile tears and may have actually wept
through the entire fourth grade because I was
so confused and angry about actually having to
be in the 4th grade.

I am not completely hopeless and during my time
in Philly I have learned to grow a thicker skin and
put things into perspective, which means slowing
the Mind down an understanding the flow of events
as ,"non-personal".

In my youth when I was a believer in the God of
Abraham I thought I was being punished all the
time for thoughts and actions, and eventually I
developed powers of reasoning that allowed me
to have some sanity.

It's NOT all about you dummy.

Our Minds are amazing in their abilities to create
all these delusions, so much energy is wasted, leaked
out of our Beings like water through a colander.

I have been working in the new kitchen job for a
month and I think I might be getting the hang of
"not taking things personally", otherwise I would
have thrown a temper tantrum long ago.

Being "OK"

I was thinking the other day about how as a
child I used to carry around an imaginary
pistol in a holster on my left hip whenever
I was feeling insecure or afraid. I concentrated
on this to convince myself of my power, and
that I could not be hurt by others.

This is one of those memories that unlocks a
whole region of the Mind, old drafty rooms
are given the sunshine and warmth that come
from directing the eye inward.

I have never really felt,"OK", always being on
edge and unsettled in my emotional states, which
has manifested in behaviors that cause me to
appear as "wrong", or " odd" to others.

I was not OK in the womb, I was not OK as an
infant, or a toddler, or a grade schooler, or through
my long extended adolescence, nor was I OK
recently in my mid and late 30's.

I was suffering, because I have been born into
a world where suffering exists and is the normative
condition of sentient beings.

Instead of looking at my pain and coping with it
properly I tried to drink it away, flush it down
my esophagus and out through my pores.

This spring after I left the hospital I finally had a
breakthrough and whatever seeds I had planted
10 years ago or longer about Buddhism and
spiritual work had begun to grow into actualizations.

I had understood viscerally what suffering was
because I had hit "rock bottom", and I knew that
the Buddha was correct in proclaiming that suffering
could be reduced or extinguished if a being would
simply learn to "see" themselves with the Eye
of Dharma.

And more importantly learn to see the world with
this same Eye.

Counterintuitively a person learns to live with
suffering by transforming how they respond to
it, the ailment is cured by the disease.

Being OK with not being OK.,( and therefore
being "OK")

The pistol on my hip was a compensatory mechanism,
a piece of an artificial "self" that I am learning to
undo as a created illusion, uncovering the original
being that is accessible to everyone of us., a root
nature that lasting happiness springs from.

Lonely Disciple.

Once you get deep into the Buddhayana the
world takes on a new glow. All objects that
can be perceived and experienced become
almost liquid, and you see everything as
impermanent.

This means that all your joy is tinged with
some sadness, and I discover that no emotion
is as pure as it's designation.

The danger here is adopt an apathetic, nihilistic
attitude, to fall back into depression and not
do anything, for nothing matters.

Everything dies, all that you see will pass away,
but at the same time everything lives and
participates in the flow of phenomenological
events, the aforementioned, "dharma cloud".

Instead of having pure joy or pure sadness
I just have the emotion "as is".

I hold it as a feeling, and don't give it any more
importance than that.

This is what is famously referred to as ,"non-attachment",
and is what is the original source of confusion for
those first encountering the teachings of the Buddha.

While the rest of the world is chest deep in the
delusions of mental formations, the experienced
disciple has learned to moderate all that activity
of the Mind and live on a new plane of existence
that is enmeshed with 6.5 billion individual planes.

I pay constant attention to the 5 precepts, literally
navigating with ever growing skill the Scylla's and
Charibdis's of modern life. Some will judge me as
being snooty and aloof, and urbane dabbler in
Asian modalities.

I let that go because I have absorbed the Way into
my Being, and this is a process that has it's own
momentum that I could not cease if I wanted to.

I push no one away who is not part of "my" Path,
because I have understood the ideal of interdependency
and that every human being is a part of my life.

Our planet makes it progress around the solar system,
which makes it circumnavigation around the galactic
core.

"I" has lived and died a billion times.

Oxygenerateprana

None of us are breathing correctly.

We take shallow, non-rythymic breathes
that deplete our bodies of oxygen and
cause fatigue , low energy, and various
health problems.

Our brains, nervous system, and bloodflow
suffer, and our "prana" cannot act according
to it's nature, which is to give us what
we need to actualize our existence and be
finely tuned instruments.

So I am getting good about watching my breath,
and not necessarily as a meditational exercise
but simply to oxygenate my body tissues.

I have heard a story about the first European
settlers to arrive on the islands of Hawaii and
how the natives thought they were the living
dead because they could see how poorly they
breathed, and clearly did not look healthy.

In our society we are occupied with excessive
multi-tasking and don't have time to really
pay attention to our bodies Mindfully, and
we suffer all those petty ailments that can
be improved by simple remedies like SLOWING
DOWN.

In the mornings my Yoga practice takes 90 minutes
and for that time I am breathing pretty well,
and I can see how the day progresses and I forget
my breathe cycle, how the "force" does not flow
through me as smoothly as I know it can.

Paradise Now.

In my youth I was taught to think that the
possibilities of peace and joy were only possible
in the "afterlife", as it is understood in the
Christian faith.

This life was a rehearsal for an eternity of
relief in the hands of the God of Abraham., and
that I was being watched all the time and
my actions noted so that I could be judged
upon reaching the "pearly gates".

Thankfully I had a questioning Mind and
gradually worked my way out of this destructive
hogwash, and at this point in time I have
gained freedom from these stories.

I am not sure when the moment happened,
probably not too many years ago, when I finally
let go of the concept of God, as defined in the
Bible, and absorbed and new paradigm into
my being.

"I don't know"

This is how the Buddha answered this question
of "god" , or eternalism in public discourse ,
reserving his opinion for it was really his own
business., as the point of Buddhist practice is
constant questioning of phenomenological
experience... he said.."Find out for yourself".

I have encountered every argument for and
against "God" and eventually I stopped asking,
because I was interested in how to alleviate
and reduce suffering as it presented itself right
in front of my face. I stopped the obsessive
churning of ideas and concepts about divinity
quite suddenly and was mercifully OK with
the option of ," I don't know".

And perhaps even, " I don't care".

Which amounts to cursing said diety which
earns you the sweet spot in the deepest Hell.

Hell and Heaven are stories, as is much of the
Bible, and it's theologies. A lot of unverifiable
conjecture and theory which cannot be proven.

Of course I realize that I have accepted a new
body of information, new stories, that speak of
how the Buddha gained enlightenment, and
how we as disciples can verify every step he
took through our own practice.

Most importantly we can question and debate
at every level, and understand that the cultures
of Asia put their own filter over the Dharma as
it passed through the centuries.

I am relieved of the burden of anticipating some
kind of judgement in the afterlife from a God who
I was never sure existed, and I can open my eyes
wider and wider to the paradise in front of me.

I am experiencing what freedom is really like.

Au revoir l'artiste.

I have been "sitting with" all the painful memories
of art school and beyond in my meditation practice,
while simultaneously re-igniting my painting
practice.

Less and less do those afflictive voices accompany
my periods of working on paintings which is a
relief.

"You are a lousy artist!, why are you here?, you
don't belong here!, Why don't you just drop out?"

All those statements which attach themselves
to the general critical/doubt complex we all have
are quieting.

I am understanding though that I was immature
in those years, and I produced some really awful,
shoddy, half-baked work. And the way I treated
my peers certainly bought me the social isolation
I experienced.

This is a testament to the efficacy of Vipassana
practice; facing the emotions that arise from
memories and seeing them as a they are.

Illusions that are subject to impermanency and
cannot keep a hold on a person. This is the Buddhist
equivalent of "mercy", in that suffering does
ebb and flow, and one cannot be consumed by it
if thoughts are handled properly.

I am not longer beholden to the ridiculous ego
I once had, where I was determined to be an
"artiste" with a capitol "A", dominating the world
of Art like a little dictator, being worshiped for
every move I made.

That is what blocked my creativity for 15 years, this
false self, an iron mask over a insecure child who
was desperate for approval. A constructed personae
that was more interested in being known as a "artist",
rather than actually being involved in the act of
creativity in it's total process.

Dharma Cloud.

I came across a concept that has brought my
practice to a new level this past month,( always
with the new levels, never standing still).

"Dharma-Meghah" which in Sanskrit can be
translated as "Dharma Rain Cloud".

It refers to the meaning of Dharma that can
be expressed as ,"elements of Being, constituents
of Phenomena, particles of the objective world".

Our Minds only can process reality as a whole,
and we do not see the creation of phenomena
frame by frame, or piece by piece. We perceive
it as the illusion of a form, or "cloud".

I read about this in a commentary on the "Yoga
Sutra of Patanjali, translated by Chip Hartranft.

Patanjali was a master of Dhyana Yoga and
600 years after the Buddha taught, discovered
the same laws of Being through the verification
of Practice.

He investigated his own Mind completely and
discovered how our perceptions are obscured
by this false knowledge, and that what we think
we see, is in fact a screen for "pure awareness".

It's complicated and I have to read it again and
again to really understand, and beyond that
experience it for myself through meditation.

This one concept, "dharma cloud" has become
a seed in my Mind, and I have been walking around
in my daily travels seeing everything as a constantly
shifting, changing, series of micro-events.

Not quite as Patanjali experienced the idea, but
he had his own practice 1900 years ago and I
have mine , and I will avoid the trap of comparing
myself to him.

The translator Hartranft coincidently wrote a
chapter in this book on the relationship between
Buddhism and Yoga. To say I was fascinated by
it would be an understatement.

I am understanding how Yoga virtually gave
birth to Buddhism, and how one compliments
the other despite certain points of diversion
on the definition of the "self".

I am grateful to Patanjali Buddha who released
his knowledge to the world, and those of us who
have read it 1900 years later are fortunate.

The Yogin must take it easy.

My short vacation from one job to another has now
ended and I have returned to the role of "kitchen
worker", meaning I go into work in the morning
and I make a dozen of this, 3 dozen of that, cut
this, chop that, blanche some of those, blend that
sauce etc,etc. For those of you who have not
somehow landed in the culinary arts my official
title is "prep cook".

I like it, because I can practice Mindfulness in a
particular way; really there is no choice as I work
with blades, hot liquids, various sharp objects,
and intense heat.

Thankfully I have been sober for 4 months and my
Mind is clearer than ever.

The energy level, the "pranic field" must be sustained
even though I work a relatively "easy " kitchen, so
I have had to adjust my home Asana practice
accordingly.

In the mornings I was taking a leisurely 90 minutes
for Hatha postures and then 45 minutes to an hour
of chanting and meditation., and at night about 90
minutes for more strenuous postures and meditation.

This is just no longer possible if I want to get enough
sleep and have time for my creative activities like
paintin' pictures and singin' songs.( and writing
this blog).

I only work 30 hours a week, but those are hours that
take a toll on the mind/body and so balance reigns
supreme and I learn to NOT WIPE MYSELF OUT!!!.

Frankly I was pushing too hard anyway, which is a
trap practitioners fall into, trying to prove to some
imaginary group of people how awesome we are
at Yoga.

So now I have whittled down my asana practice to
what is essential, paying attention to what my body
needs that particular morning, that way I do not
have to change the time period for chanting and
meditation....and the same thing is done at night,
sometimes just being in "corpse pose" after work
is what is necessary.

The one pose I work on at night that is "tough"
is the shoulderstand, and inversion and balancing
asana that has tremendous benefits for various
systems of the body that secrete chemicals, and
I can see this one is going to take a few years
to really "get right".

It's called patience, and we all have to work on that.

Facing you ,Facing me.

I am a sinner.

I am carrying around memories in my head that
are sometimes just too much.

I have done wrong, I have dissapointed my family
and friends with un-righteous actions.

I have abused myself and commited acts that
were self-destructive and wasteful.

I have scorned gifts and talents, giving into
hatred and resentment instead of cultivating
and evolving.

None of those actions has escaped the inner eye
that I use to scan my Mind in meditation.

I can hide from none of these memories.

There is no one to blame, no place to set aside
or lock away those parts of the Mind that are
difficult to handle.

I have learned that every single one of us who
are members of the human race suffer from afflictive
memory, and we either avoid dealing with them
or we face them with processes and systems of
varying success or potency.

I have understood real maturity and that it's a
process that only stops at Death.

The first component of being "mature" is learning
how to handle your own Mind., which is comprised
of the Heart, the Psyche, and the Body.

I learned how to turn the tv, dvd player, radio,
and various other distractions OFF and sit in silence
and watch the flow of information that is my Being
and the Environment around me.

And I become OK with this experience and all
the "stuff" that can arise out of your consciousness.

I do not believe we have gained maturity if one
has a large bank account, expensive possessions,
a house, a spouse, kids, and all the other trappings
of so called, "adulthood".

We have just bought into an opinion of "the good life"
and burdened ourselves with more suffering than
"satisfaction".

I am learning to "own" my full "self" and all it's
unpleasant parts, and to be contented with what
brings Joy.

"What Kinda work do you do"?

I was asked this question by a young lady yesterday who
was trying to get me to donate to the Democratic National
Committee.

This question is difficult to answer properly in our society
because we are judged by our location in the hierarchy
of employment possibilities.

So for each person I have to give a different answer.

"The service industry" is my usual response.

Folks judge you by how you make money and assume
that is what your life is about since money is so terribly
important.

It has its uses.

Occasionally I come across a fellow seeker of the
deeper possiblities in life, a brother or sister in the
Mind/Body traditions, a child of wisdom who might
understand how I really want to answer this question.

I will tell you that my real work is "self study", as
defined in the 8 limb path of Raja Yoga as a part of
the Niyamas, or "observances and practices".

1. Purity
2. Contentment
3. Austerity
4. Self -Study
5. Surrender

Number 4 is my favorite as it is part of the larger Yoga
called ,"Jnana", and comprises using the Mind properly
as an instrument of discriminating between what is actual
and what is illusion/delusion.

Clearing away all the misconceptions, prejudices, emotional
distortions, and cognitive dissonances and cloud our Minds.

And all this ties into Vippassana practice, sitting and observing
the Body, Breath ,Mind as an impartial witness.

Which then link up with the "higher" stages of Raja Yoga,
the practices of Dharani, Dhyana, and Samadhi.

This is my "work", and what I am doing all the time, even
when I am waiting tables or ringing cash registers.

Out from underneath.

So on July 1st I was at work and the owner's son
gathers everyone together and basically tells us that
the restaurant is closing, RIGHT NOW.

All 8 of us just kind of went silent as he explained
the reasons, and that they had no choice.

For some of my co-workers this was a difficult bit
of news to handle as they are immigrants from
Latin America and the sole breadwinner for their
family. For most of us this was expected as it was
clear to see that the restaurant could not possibly
be making enough to survive as a business.

It's a shame as we provided a superb food product
and excellent customer service with a host of
repeat customers who ate our food everyday.

When I heard the news my reaction was neutral
as I have been in this position many times before
and I am confident in my ability to survive.

After 19 years in Philadelphia I have experienced
the worst and best of this city, and without going into
details I have beeen threatened, assaulted, and had
my personal space violated to the point where my
emotional and psychological health deteriorated.

All those "tragic" events taught me about resiliency,
and the incredible ability of human beings to rebound
from hardship and maintain some kind of decency
when in the back of our Minds we know more suffering
is coming our way.

Some of my co-workers just clocked out and left but
myself and another co-worker, who is from Haiti, hung
out for an hour and cleaned up, closing the restaurant
as if it was just the end of another day.

Uncertainty is the condition of our world that we can
count on, but even that is impermanent as most of us
cycle from security to insecurity. A person can accept
this or hide from it in addictive behaviours which give
the illusion of certainty.

For a couple of weeks I have the luxury of being a full
time practioner of my various art forms: Mind /Body
work, drawing my Buddhas, singing my songs, taking
epic, long walks, and reading, reading, reading.

(And going to the library to update my blog).

I have also taken the giant step of volunteering my
time with the south Philly campaign office serving
Barack Obama. So I have been walking around various
parts of this district asking folks if they are registered
to vote.

For those that know me this is a major shift in my behavior
patterns as normally I don't like to talk at all.

So much for shyness.

A bit of relief.

Previously I had mentioned the struggle to be
comfortable in sitting meditation, and how my
legs would not only go numb, but begin to hurt
which along with the pain in my back just
made "zazen" an exercise in masochism.

Instead of wallowing in my own misery about
the situation I did something about it.

So in the back of my closet where I sit in complete
darkness and a reasonable amount of silence
I added another layer of cushioning that elevates
my spine and provides support for my ankles.
Which is where the nerve endings were being
pressed into the carpet, this giving me numb
legs.

At my other meditation station for morning sits
I found a large cushion on the street which I
folded over in half to create the zafu of all zafu's
which elevates my back perfectly.

I also abandoned the placement of my hands in
the lap, one on top of each other, for the much
improved placement of the hands on my knees
where they meet the thighs. My arms acting as
buttresses for the spine.

After 30- 45 minutes there is still discomfort but
tolerable enough.

Of course the body could be sitting forever in
perfect comfort but the Mind is raging like a
tornado.

And vica versa.

It is really Mind not being comfortable with Mind.

Sing, Sing, Sing!!!

I can safely say the momentum of my visual art
practice is in effect, after a few months of working
at some point during the day, always looking at
my pieces when doing other things in my space.

I am not getting frenzied up with fantasies and
visions of being internationally famous and loved
by millions as I had in the past.

I just draw my Buddhas and they are what they are.

The art world is comprised of millions of practitioners
and none of us should get too excited about ourselves.

Doing that work brings a certain amount of satisfaction
but frankly I recall why I never followed through with
painting and drawing.

For years I have been a closet musician.

The deepest dream I have had as a potential creator
is singing songs with either a piano or guitar in front
of audiences and getting approval for it.

This is the central part of my psyche and if you want
to figure me out in about 3 seconds then you have
it all in your hands.

Instead of working on that vision and enacting it I
let the "haters" keep me stifled because I was not
strong enough to defend myself.

I never thought I was allowed to be a musician
or create music because of what I misunderstood
as the "rules", what could be and what should be.

In art school I snuck into the music department
at night to play the the pianos, there were about
a dozen seperate rooms and I could close the
door and let loose and not worry about being
heard.

I started working with the the guitar and found out
quickly it was best to be quiet about it and get what
I could from a friend who was a guitar major.

Of course I got over that at a certain point and got
into some musical projects in the late 90's, and the
early part of this decade.

The music could not be suppressed.

Myself and my musical partner, Mark, created hours
and hours of free-improv/atmospheric/soundscapes
that are still existing on cd's.

For a while I had my own equipment and put together
some similar pieces which I still have on cassette.

The high point of that era was when I wrote a handful
of songs and I sang them , with Mark helping out a
great deal to shape them into ,"pop" music.

I could not take the whole thing a step further though
and play live, and we had all the opportunity in the
world to get gigs here in Philly.

6 years later I am returning to this material and re-writing
old songs and coming up with new lyrics.

I think about it all the time.

It is a source of sustenance.

(Some folks who are realized as artists might cringe at my
thoughts in this blog, they may have forgotten what it
was like to be insecure about their ideas).

Buddha teaches about conditioning, and how the layers
of our Minds are plastered with false notions, distortions,
and ignorance about who we really are.

Those things are imprinted on us before we have a chance
to know what effect they will have on our adult lives.

This role I am developing for myself, " singer songwriter".,
is loaded with peril, especially in the age of "American Idol",
where ridicule is ample for even those who have some talent.

The few times I have played gigs have been hit or miss,
I was afraid but managed each time to go through with the
performance.

There is nothing stopping me from developing my songbook
and learning how to perform it properly in front of strangers.

No reason at all to be worried about the opinions of spiteful
assholes who thrive on jealousy.

Eggs and Oranges(Thou are not that).

I run into trouble by comparing my various practices
of Mind/Body exercises to those of other people.

I might be guilty of devouring far too much wisdom
literature, and thus I have knowledge of the ways
and means, methods and situations that other's on
the "spiritual path" have confessed to.

And then I get the critical voices from the back of
the Mind, the ones from the past who saw me as
weak and thus a target for psychological downsizing.

"I can just take my frustrations out on Pete because
he is too nice to defend himself or get sassy".

Every Yogasana session carries with it the self-doubt
in the form of,"old ghosts", who are right there
judging every move I make, and mercifully I manage
to realize each time that,"I " am the only one doing
the judging and those voices are masks.

Superimpositions over the afflictions of unworthiness.

As Patanjali indicated, eventually the tiresome self
criticism ceases in the depth of the practice, the sweet
middle, the chewy center. If it does not cease it atleast
transforms into a more even tempered mental stream.

I have chosen the Buddhayana, and the various Yogas,
and I have the duty to determine exactly what that
consists of. I have created the practice and applied it
to the particulars of my own Being.

How exhausting to worry about whether you are doing
enough Asana's, repetitions of mantras, enough minutes
of sitting and watching the Body, Breath, Mind.

How silly to wonder if you are "Buddhist" enough.

This past week I have been reading Krishnamurti, so
the idea of ," finding it out for yourself" is resonating
with me.

I have barely read anything by him.

What a wonderfully salty human being.

Idol Chatter

I just shake my head when I hear opinions from
non-Buddhist's or those not sympathetic to the
thought systems from Asia.

I try not to get wrapped up in a furious tornado
of my judgementalism.

I have to remember that not everyone understands
the esoteric components of Buddhism.

It is easy to assume that Buddhist's are idol
worshipers because some of us chant mantras
and make prostrations in front of imagery.

Not for a minute do I think there is some kind
of disembodied Buddha-figure existing outside
of the world, responding to prayers and supplications
from human beings through the medium of
an image or form.

Prince Gautama Shakyamuni is dead.

The teachings( BuddhaDharma) are what is alive
and catalyzing transformation.

I will only speak for myself and say that I prostrate,
recite vows, and chant every morning before the image
of Avolokiteshvara( Bodhisattva of Compassion), as
a way of focusing my Mind on what I am doing,
as way of expressing gratitude for the Dharma.

I have a statue of the Buddha that my parents kindly
brought back from Thailand for the same reasons.

I liken it to an academic who might have a bust of
Plato on his/her desk that is honored not as an idol
but as reminder of what their purpose is.

No rational, modern being can safely get carried
away with symbols and attaching to them some kind of
metaphysical body .

I don't know what else to say to those who accuse me
of idolatry. Or doom me to hell because I have not
accepted their version of "biblical truth".

I dont know what to do with the fanatics of the world
who do not understand the pluralism of religions.

"the many streams that lead to one ocean".

The Lifeboat.

Last night I recited these words along with my "sangha",
in Pali ,one of the liturgical languages of Buddhism:

Buddham Saranam Gacchami.

Dhamman Saranam Gacchami.

San-Gham Saranam Gacchami.

"I go for (or take) refuge in the Buddha".

"I go for refuge in the Dharma".

"I go for refuge in the Sangha".

I requested this ceremony of the group's teacher
for selfish reasons as I had not "taken refuge"
in about 10 years since I fully converted to
Buddhism.

That was a nice day long class with an English nun
of the New Kadampa tradition who teaches here
in Philly....I sat in a group in a tiny room with a
some folks who regularily attended her classes
in a conference room in the Holiday Inn.

(search "Menlha Buddhist center in Philadelphia,
or Gen Kelsang Norden)

Back then I had a distinct feeling that taking refuge
was a big deal and I had become a part of something
that would allow me to find what I was looking for.

Taking refuge was a way of putting a "seal" on my
consciousness, tagging my carcass as belonging
to a certain herd on the range.

It took me a while though to really learn how to
live the Buddha's teachings, make them part of
my viscera and not just a lovely bit of wisdom
in the file marked "stuff I know about other
philosophies or religions".

As I mentioned before it was necessary to begin
the practice of Hatha Yoga, 1 year ago, to understand
how to reside in my Body and not just live in my
head all the time.

And most importantly I began living the 5th precept
3 months ago in it's most complete way.

We also recited the precepts last night:

1. No harming
2. No stealing
3. No sexual misconduct
4. No false speech or lying
5. NO USE OF INTOXICANTS.

I have heard that true freedom only comes through
obedience, and living according to the way proscribed
by these 5 points gives me a sense of that sentiment.

The practice of the precepts means recognizing how you
create suffering for yourself and other people.

I am reaffirmed as a lay disciple.

The Buddha, Dharma and the Sangha are all one complete
principle, one object with 3 faces that I rely on to
achieve salvation from suffering.

The Functioning Slacker.

If you looked at my life objectively you could argue
that I am without the goals, targets, or deadlines
that apparently comprise the "mature" person
in the opinion of certain folks.

Judging by my life and it's activities over the
past 15 -20 years I would fit right in as an extra
in the film by Richard Linklater we all know and love,
"Slacker".

If you look deeper, with a more probing eye you
will see I have been very much focused on a
singular goal, an attainment that has it's own
momentum.

As a valued objective though this goal might seem
downright silly or vacuous in our society.

I have a memory of sitting on a schoolbus in my
junior year of high school, and I am just back
in the states going through the process of acclimation
that happens after long stays in foreign countries.

( 3 years in Paris).

I had a moment where I knew exactly what I wanted
out of life...and that knowledge manifested itself
in one thought;

" I want inner peace".

It was not some disembodied voice or command from
the spirit world, just a strong, clear thought.

I told this to a friend of mine who looked at me like
I had split in two and started growing tentacles., so
I never repeated the memory again to anyone.

From the standpoint of the present moment and all
the knowledge I have accumulated about spiritual
practice and the world's wisdom traditions I can see
that single thought in 1987 was a germinal seed for
a life path.

A way of being that goes against the grain of our
dominator culture, our mass obsessions with conquering
and expansion, our hungers for experiences and
possessions that appease the ,"gross", Mind and not
the ,"subtle ", Mind.

For 20 years I have been a seeker for that," inner peace".

I have read as much as possible, and will continue to
absorb, the written thoughts of the legions of great
masters that have existed and still exist. The ones
who confronted the difficulties of being human and
it's profound mysteries.

In my youth I grew up in a Christian household, but
I transitioned out of that for something more, and
eventually I came to the Buddha Dharma, which is
where I found what I was looking for.

In the middle I explored the pagan/wiccan traditions and
nearly lost my Mind in their ambiguities.

I come from 1500 years of Catholics and Protestants
so I am careful in what I say about all that in respect
for my ancestors, despite my problems with various
parts of the Christian theologies.

I was so inspired by Thomas Merton at one point that
I was close to converting to Catholicism and becoming
a priest.

And I respect that before Christianity my ancestors
were part of the European pagan tradition.

My point is for the judgemental ones who consign me
to the lost Generation X. Our goals might not seem
like concise, methodical gameplans, but they are
still valuable as pursuits and modes of evolution.

When I say I want ,"inner peace", that means I want
psychological and emotional harmony. And the benefit
for society is that I can turn around and teach others
what I have discovered.

The more I study Buddhism and Yoga, and consistently
practice it's techniques, I become an example of "true being"
in the world, a reflection of one source light.

I contribute to society a compassionate, peaceful
nature, which is more valuable than what we assume
as "valuable".

Letting it drop.

I have had difficulty over the course of my life
"letting things go". I am particularily bad at this
and I fear that I have damaged my Mind,( and the
body it is connected to) , by holding on to decades
old afflictive emotions.

For atleast 15 years I have been working on this
problem, searching for a way to unburden myself
of what I call," those old ghosts". The suffering is
too much sometimes, learning how to live with
all those afflictions. The answer for me in the recent
past was to self medicate, a destructive pattern of
behaviour that I will pay for as long as I live.

I have learned to pay attention to the Prana body
this past year through Yoga practice and it seems
like I have discovered the Way to effectively
scrape out those afflictions from their hiding places
in the Mind/Body complex...and I know this has
been accomplished because I can sense the quality
of the Prana flow.

I renounce them , I exorcise them through conscious
awareness of their loitering in my field of Being.

In the mornings after chanting I recite my vows as
a lay disciple of the Buddhayana, and one bit goes
like this; " I renounce Greed, Hatred and the Delusional
states of Mind that lead to suffering".

Renunciation is one of my favorite things about Buddhism.

Over the years I have simplified my life to include less
self-destruction and more self-awareness and purification
of my experience, generating karmic merit.

The Buddha implies that the "outflow" of karmic activity
ceases and thus the future is made more of Joy then
Sorrow when this process is successful.

Not only do I renounce and avoid the attachment to
materialistic pleasures., but I "drop", the psychological
masochistic practices that are poisons in our culture.

Our society is largely composed of wounded children
who have not learned to face their own Mind and
refuse to truly take responsibility for the source
of their pain.

It's one thing to eat just enough to sustain your body,
own the possessions that you really need, and be happy
with what you have in front of you, occupy your Mind
with simple activities that do not harm others.

But it is a deeper practice to consistently renounce at
all times those afflictive emotions that erode your
own HeartMind, and cause you to bring suffering to
others because of your own suffering.

All day I attempt to watch my Mind for the arising
of these unwholesome states, and seek to cultivate
those states that are wholesome,( practicing the
Brahmaviharas).

I have learned the hard way what happens when you
fail to monitor your own "damage".

It's not all fun and games.

I refer to the practice of meditation as the, "Art
of Stillness", and this is a personal way of focusing
the action so that I do not get caught up in
all kinds of definitions and labels.

The irony is that "stillness" is a rarity.

Every session on the cushion is difficult for one
reason or another; most of the time I struggle
with pain in my back and legs and after about
45 minutes meditation becomes a contest with
my Mind to see how long I can sit in agony.

Thought I have noticed that after Yogasana in
the morning I am able to do sitting meditation
and the pain is less severe, even barely noticeable.

At work I do alot of lifting and running up and
down the stairs so I wear my legs and back out
and I pay for it at night. Even after my nightly
session of Yogasana, which has different poses
then the morning session does not alleviate
these factors to provide a comfortable mediation
period.

In addition to that I deal with the memories
and recollections that always float up from
the unconscious and these are frequently what
is really difficult to deal with, as the pain in
my body comes in waves, while afflictive
and even pleasant thoughts just come rushing
out of the Mind.

It's frustrating, but I know better then to just
give up the practice entirely. After 10 years
I have just accepted that discomfort is a part
of the process, (atleast this year as I have
been sitting every day). Before that I only
practiced when inspired instead of making
a consistent effort

At night I sit in a prepared spot in the back of
my closet. I do this to be in pitch black darkness,
and to experience virtually no sounds. I am thus
confronting the Mind with few distractions as
possible.

Occasionally my body does not give me trouble,
and I can concentrate solely on the Mind, and
I might actually go deep enough, "below the
cloud layer", and swim for a bit in clear waters,
without silt or sediments.

Turn on your Heart Light.

Neil Diamond dropped some lovely Dharma on
the world with this song associated with the
movie ,"E.T."

I refuse to be ashamed that it has been a melody
"singing" in my head.

It's the ,"inner Buddha" telling me what to do;

Precisely, and without affectation, "turn on your
Heart Light".

Doing Asanas I begin with a standing pose, and end
with that same pose, palms together, and usually
I can sense the area in my chest where the Heart
chakra is said to reside.

I can feel movement as if I have a spherical vessel of
water in my chest swishing around, and this activates
similar sensations in the other energy centers of the
torso.

During seated and walking meditations I know I have
arrived at the "stillpoint" when I can sense that
"swishy " feeling.

This is a "lamp" that is switched on and radiating
it's luminescence throughout the body.

And outwards into the various environments I find
myself moving through during the waking hours.

If a person is ,"turned on" you can see it in their eyes,
and a connection is established however briefly, in
passing, or during more sustained encounters.

As I have said before," I am you and you are me".

This lamplight has to be maintained, stoked like the
broiler of an engine. All it takes is returning the Mind's
focus to the Heart chakra, though that might be hundreds
of times per day.

Joy Unbound.

Since I have progressed in my practice and the
5th precept has been followed for 2 months
or so I have been experiencing an intense emotion
I can only call "joy".

I am not sure what to do with it.

As good as it feels there is a tinge of sadness and
I remind myself to keep the sparky gems popping
out of my pores at a minimum so I am not locked
up by the happy police.

Walking down the street I find myself beaming with
a huge grin on my face, inducing others to smile at
me and say hello.

It's a bit frightening to be honest.

Last year I would have told you to f%^$ck off if
you brought up the possibility that I would be
experiencing these states.

I think the practice of Yogasana has cleared up long
term anxieties about the state of my body , so
the presence of confidence and actual self -esteem,
once a strange myth that I did not believe in are
realities.

More and more I am able to see the world through
,"buddha goggles" so beings and situations that made
me furious are just petty annoyances.

Perhaps when a person undertands what their life is
about and what they can do with it new forces arise
in the heart, what was hidden becomes unlocked.

I love the cliched term from Shakespeare, " all the
worlds a stage and men and women are merely players"
I refuse to be ashamed of the truth of this statement
and my willingness to live by it.

If the world is a stage then I am playing these roles:

1. Buddhist Lay Disciple
2. Practitioner of Various Yogas.
3. Musician
4. Writer
5. Visual Artist
6. Teacher( in the future).
7. Restaurant Server( money has to be made)

I have been told over the years that I was immature and
did not know myself.

What a f^&*cking load of sh$%^t.

If it was true then it is not true now.

Boom!!!!

Beyond Divisions and Sects.

Yesterday I was reading a history of American Buddhism
(Prebish) and I came across a term ,"Buddhayana".

What a coincidence as I have been thinking about a
term in which to focus my own practice around, a
name of the game so to speak.

And sychronously I was putting together Sanskrit
words I know and then the term for "path" or "vehicle"
which is Yana.

"The Path of the Awakened One" ...Buddha-Yana.

It puts together the practices I have fallen into over
the years into one tidy little bag....some Mahayana,
some Theravedan.

(I am not going to introduce myself as a "Buddhayanist").

It's an affirmation of my thoughts on being an American,
legally and ideologically, and a confirmed Buddhist who
has publically taken refuge in the 3 jewels and the 5
precepts.( years ago with Gen Kelsang Norden I attended
a day long class and performed this ceremony).

This is what happens to philosophies and ideas in general
when they are transmitted into the Mass-Mind of our
society. They get forged alchemically into something new.

The old divisions of Asia, the arguments that have simmered
and flared for 2500 years just don't belong to us.

I daydream about how even in this age of the" decline of
the Dharma", Buddhism will spread ,"like mushrooms
after a sudden rain at night".( quote by a Zen master I
don't recall right now).

I am excited to be a part of 2500 years of lineage.

TriFocusMind

I am now moving from conceptual understanding of
meditative absorption to actually experiencing it
as a way of life.

This is a bold statement and I have been warned by
various sources to not even speak of the famous
levels of "deepening awareness".

Jabbering on about how "zenned out" one is can
be tedious and suspect.

I call it the "tri-focus practice". Body, Mind( including
emotions,feelings), and Environment.

As long as I have been meditating I have been doing
this practice, and as I have said before it is 24.7.365.

On the cushion and off!!!

The three components of attention really are just one
experience Mind....3 becomes 1.

Today in Philly I was walking to the library and I went
down a street I had never set foot on. Even after 19
years in the city this can happen.

It's wonderful as the state of unified body/mind/environment
occurs and upon exiting the street onto another the shift
in consciousness is noted.

Each end of the street is a gate.

I am brand new.

This is happening all the time, acting as a source of renewal
in a city I have gotten bored of in more negative periods.

It's easy to give up on Philly, what a beautiful , terribly
knotty, patchwork of hodgepodges and crumpled together
wads of heart/hardy Beings.

Skillful Means for the Klutz.

Yesterday at work I was trying to wrestle dustpan
out from underneath a rack and I managed to poke
myself in the eye, breaking my glasses with the handle.

I was in a furious rush trying to keep the dining room
I work sharp looking.

I had just dropped a salt shaker which shattered on the
floor.

Normally I would be superstitous and toss some salt
over my shoulder but I have learned that misfortune
happens no matter what you do.

It was a pretty good day despite all the personal injury
and catastrophes.

My eye is fine, and my glasses are in functioning mode.

Always I am being reminded to be skillfull in everything
I do. Every single action in the course of the day must
be attended too with patience.

I am also understanding that ,"skillful means" applies to
the other parts of the 8-fold path so that speech,
concentration, intention, view, mindfulness are included.

A saving grace for the world's klutzes.

24.7.365

What a phenomenal Way, the path of the Buddha
Dharma. What a profound, all encompassing mode
of Being. I am so grateful to have heard the teachings
and to have been fortunate to have been born
with the faculties necessary to follow along with
the millions of previous Dharma folk.

I am excited because I am seeing just how every
second, minute, hour, day, week, month, and year,
of our lifespan is an opportunity for practice.

This past year I have been exerting much effort
to live as Mindfully as possible, as mortality has
reached it's icy hand out to me and touched my
Heart. Lord Yama himself, the Buddhist Lord of
Hell and Death has sent me a personal message ;

"Stop f^&*%cking around!!!!"

No not really, but the sentiment is all the same, and
I am not the first man in his late 30's to question every
aspect of his life. Getting a bit nutty about making
things neat and clean and attempting to address the
past as it shows itself in memory.

There is no reason I cannot practice the Buddha Dharma
every possible moment of the day. This means constant
Mindfulness on; the Noble Truth of Suffering, the 8 fold
path, the 5 precepts, the 4 Brahmaviharas, and the
renouncing of afflictive mental delusions.

Recent mornings have been spent reciting these vows
before I sit in 1 pointed concentration style meditation.

I can grit my teeth and growl like a beast and attack
life , but I know better then to waste energy on storming
a mountain that has no summit.

Better to conquer each second of the day one by one.

The Way is nothing but methodical.

Let it out!!!

When I was in my early teenage years I understood
with clarity that I was going to be involved with
the visual arts as a life path.

In high school I got pretty serious about it, and while
living in Paris my art instructor, Indian sculptor
Inderjeet Sahdev, recognized my abilities and "art
spirit" and encouraged me to get more serious
when I moved back to the states in 1987.

I found myself at art school here in Philadelphia ,
and a 4 year period of difficulty that has been a
source of struggle emotionally for some time.

I was quite arrogant, dismissing my peers and behaving
as if I was the only one who belonged at UARTs, and
they certainly treated me in kind.

Ironically most of my work for that 4 years was poorly
made and I was called out time and time again
for it.

My instructors saw something I did not , particularily
the great Philadelpah painter Warren Rohrer, who
saw through my immaturity and told me to stick
with the process.

Eventually in my senior year, I came around and
produced the work I was capable of, and my instructors
told me so....though the damage was done over 4
years in terms of my fellow students, and my thesis
show was not well attended.

In art school I had been playing a lot of piano, sneaking
into the floor in the music dpt that had atleast 15 or
so grand pianos at night. I also was playing guitar and
after graduation I abandoned visual art to explore
my musical side.

I didn't think I was allowed to be a musician because
I had such an awful time with sight reading as a child.

Up until now that has been my creative output, and
I have a lot of good recorded music to show for it that
was put together in the late 90's with my musical
partner Mark.

But always nagging in my subconscious was the knowledge
that I could see the world with intense clarity, and my
imagination was primarily visual.

Recently I had contact with an art therapist and she told
me simply;

" Your creative energies need to be cultivated, and if they
are not it is like a garden going bad, becoming toxic
and poisonous"

I realized that by suppressing my creativity I was causing
much damage to myself, and thus I saw the source of
my mental health troubles. Depression and anxiety
are fueled by holding back emotions

Here and there since graduating I have produced some
visual work, maintaining some kind of connection with
the work I did in school, which had it's basis in surrealism
and the mytho-poetic symbology of the unconscious
Mind.

This spring I have had to answer the call of that ignored
artistic being.

All the sudden half my apartment is transformed into a
space for creativity.

( hell the whole thing is for one reason or another).

I am not getting too excited yet.

My anxiety lies in the fact that I have wasted much time, and
I hope to have many more years to create the images that
have been waiting patiently for years to see light.

The 5th Precept.

I am marking the 2nd month of my sobriety
today.

After 20 years of drinking and clearly having a
problem with it I was blessed with an intervention
of sorts.

A medical professional told me that I might want
to think about quitting the booze, or writing my
will.

I am doing quite well with abstinence, and I am
happy to be fully able to practice the 5 precepts.

1. non-harming.
2. no-stealing.
3. no-sexual misconduct.
4. no false speech/lying.
5. no use of intoxicants.

For 10 years I have considered myself a lay disciple
of Buddhism, and the Buddha had the view that
meditation and the use of intoxicants were not
mutually inclusive. And I have learned myself that
meditation or Yoga practice is impossible when
hungover.

Of course none of us are 100 percent on all the
precepts.

But that 5th one is now activated in my practice.

I just have to keep one step ahead of the "booze
monkey".

I'll be fine.

I was really unhappy, and I don't want to go back
to that feeling.

Old Ghosts.

A large majority of my practice is dealing with
the "council of critics", shades of people I have
known in the past, and still know. I am unable
to let them go, so I learn to live with their presence
in my Mind.

They usually criticize every action or thought
that I have, and I argue back before I am able
to catch myself and say," old ghost, not here".

When I knew them they were kryptonite, and our
parting was difficult, I was the "emotional vampire"
or they were.

Frankly its exhausting, as if I have been poisoned
by these beings, and there are toxins left in my
Psyche that I cannot wash out of my system.

These thoughts of course are not the actual person,
but an amalgam of characteristics I have created in
the Mind.

Yes, that is the irony.

The "council" is my creation.

I have learned to watch out for potential sources of
toxicity; one learns to know who is going to be
a positive influence in terms of the give and take
of emotional energy.

I am told that the more I bring new folks into
my life, the less power the afflictive nay-sayers
have....eventually they quiet, and I believe it as
a particular girl I used to live with has begun
to fade away....barely the whisper of a ghost.

I call it the Tyranny of Memory.

We all suffer from this.

Quantity or Quality?

Instead of trying to be a champion distance practitioner of
various meditation forms I am going to be kind to myself
and take a new direction.

I have broken the hour mark in sitting zazen, and even gotten
close to 90 minutes, and really this is just punishing and
contrary to the spirit of "quality".

It is going against, "wu-wei", and forcing the practice to
conform to my conceptions of what is good or bad.

Clearly I am trying to impress some illusionary figure
by displaying my willpower.

So rather than developing a Samadhi that is aligned with
the "true nature", ironically I am fueling the egotistical
grasping Mind.

However long I sit, I sit, I sit, I sit, I sit.......

Formal Meditation is only 10 percent of the whole deal, the
other 90 percent is in the daily waking life, paying attention
to each second, minute, hour, and portion of the flow of
events that I participate in....at street level.

This is where the "practice" is.

"Facing you facing me"

( Thank you Keith Jarrett)

Report Card of a Rookie Yogin.

It is just shy of a year since I was inspired to begin
the practice of Hatha Yoga, and I purchased the
"Yoga for Dummies" title that got me started,
which I recommend to anyone who is thinking
about "walking the Path".

The first month was just as the air currents
began to warm here in Philadelphia, and I recall
the first Asana that got me excited about the
whole practice. The famous Standing Forward
Bend ( I forget the sanskrit term), was all
I concentrated on, and when my back muscles
really started to stretch I heard an inner
"eureka!!", and that day I went to get some
potting soil and a larger container for my
calla lily my torso was lighter than air, as if
a major shift had occurred.

I then worked in other poses, and developed
a routine based on the Sun Salutation, but
instead of moving through several "rounds"
of the routine,( I have heard of practitioners
doing 108 Sun Salutations in a day), I discovered
that holding poses for up to 2 minutes was
most beneficial. I move from Asana to Asana
in slow motion, paying as much attention as
possible to the breath and "micro-movements".

Well I have learned much about my body, as
Yoga is a systematic study of all components
of our physical form, and every morning I
have been scanning Mindfully all the parts,
the sinews, the muscles, tendons, bones,
and most importantly the flow of blood.

I have learned that the Mind is not just in
the cranium, but that the nervous system
itself is the conveyor of the Mind, and so I
am able to think with my whole body, instead
of just between the ears. Before I knew this
intellectually as a concept, but now I have
verfied it through actual experience. So I am
able to attest to the truth of the Mind/Body
connection that is so ubiquitous in our culture
these days.

I have had Yoga sessions that induced a deep
level of Mindful awareness, which has improved
my Buddhist practice, and essentially I am
understanding what is meant by ,"Buddhist
Yoga", and how the various teachings of the
Tathagata surely came out of his own ascetic
Yoga practice before his enlightenment.

I have verified that our bodies emit, and receive
at the same time, a field of energy called Prana,
and I can sense this field moving through and
around my physical form, generating out from
my solar plexus, through the channels up and
down my torso and extremities.

I can also see this energy in exterior forms and
other people, depending on my state of Mind.

My body has "hummed" with this energy.

Through patient practice I have twisted, bent,
and contorted my body into Asanas, improving
the strength of my lungs in ways I have never
thought possible.

The body has been re-wired, so that I am less
tolerant of toxins, and I naturally sought out
better eating habits. And all the sudden I
became a morning person, though that transition
took some work!!!.

I can stand on my head with the support of my
elbows, though I still need a wall for "back-up".
Balancing poses are the ones that I consider
challenging, while the other 25 Asanas that I work
with I expect to fine tune for the the rest of my life.

And there is much more to learn, much more depth
to "energy" flow, an intensity that I can only sense
is around the corner....a strength in the unified body
and Mind that will produce a new level of health.

I can confidently say I am moving into the intermediate
stage of practice, and I want to express my gratitude
to my surrogate big sister Holly for inspiring me in the
first place, and the writers of ",Yoga for Dummies",
Erich Schiffman, B.K.S Iyengar, and the legion of Yogi's
and Yogini's over the last several millenia who have
developed and sustained the Yoga Way so that it
has appeared in our time and place.

The Famous Delusion( The Delusion of Fame)

Allowing for the possibility of "open secrets" in this blog,
I am going to reveal one that I have understood as a knot of
delusional thinking, an emotional complex that I have
carried for quite some time.

I have wanted to be famous my whole life.

The fantasies, daydreams, and imaginative wanderings
have existed as a powerful component of my psyche.,
and it is a craving that I am not sure I can extinguish.

I have dreamt of being a great hero, saving the objects
of my affection, defeating monsters, travelling to
mystical realms and bringing back great knowledge,
playing great music in front of audiences, making
the greatest Objet D'Art, turning the world on it's
head with my brilliance, being worshiped for my
superior creative power.

Years and years , hours and hours of this. Easily I
daydreamed my way through primary school and
college, seeming like a catatonic child, lost to some
world that only I could reach.

I interpret this complex as a hunger for attention,
and the Agape/Love that comes with being approved
of for positive actions.

What a deep seated craving, a "mother" of all
attachments.

I am not the only one either....all beings who have
existed in this world system hunger for validation,
for approval, for the basic indication from other beings
that " you are alright, you belong here, we like you".

No shame.

I remember once in my senior in college I had a vision
of what my future might be like, what the ultimate
goal I could attain was. I saw myself with a shaven
head, a robe, in a room starkly furnished, and I spent
the whole of my day in spiritual practice.

That was a seed, or a merger with another seed, that
formed my current way of life.

I have noticed though the craving for Fame has
intertwined itself with the desire for purification
through the Way of Discipleship.

I have fantasized being worshiped as a great Guru,
indulging in the picture of millions of beings depending
on my every word.....being known as a powerful
spiritual master, respected by everyone, bowed
down to, enshrined as a living Buddha.

What a fantastic, ridiculously delusional mess.

Any of us who follow the Buddha-Dharma are just
one drop in an ocean of former and present walkers
of the Path. And all of them have, or will, encounter
the worst Egotistical fantasies of the craving Mind.

I am grateful to have seen this hunger forming before
it could get out of control, and piece of my daily practice
is solely devoted to containing it.

I have had the fortune of being born a human, hearing
the teachings of the Awakened One, and having the
good sense to take refuge in the practice, hoping
that I will have a duration of many years to unravel
the conditioned , craving, Mind.

Workin Man Blues....

It's one thing to practice the Buddha Way while at home,
meditating or chanting after some Yogasana, relaxed,
without any place to go, or with enough time between
then and the walk to wherever errands are for the day
or the period of work to earn money.

The practice is easy, the Mind is carrying low anxiety,
and concentration is strong.

I have been working as a server in a middle eastern
spot for the past month, and I have noticed that my
Mind takes on a different tone, and I have to really
turn on the Mindfulness , taking extreme care and
paying attention on a level that is markedly different
then when I am home.

If you have worked food service, either front of house
or in the kitchen, then you know that a combination
of speed, and accuracy is demanded to get everything
done. It's a learned skill that comprises serious Mind/Body
unification.

Yesterday I was rushing up the stairs with a plate of food
and was truly intitiated into the legion of front of house
workers, being anointed with a plate of humous and chicken
kabab all over my apron., as I tripped on a stair, and
the whole tray just went tumbling behind me down the
stairwell, making a gorgeous, John Cage-ian, clatter of
noises.

I did not get in trouble, the customer got their food in two
minutes, but I was embarassed and annoyed.

Instead of escalating my emotions and producing a storm
of negativity, I cleaned up the mess, and went on with my
duties with as much Mindfulness as possible.

I calmed down, and everyone at work just smiled
knowlingly, " it happens to all of us" said the manager.

The workplace is where my practice is going to be honed,
refined to a laser sharp "vajra" blade, and I am grateful
for it.

What lurks in the Heart.

At some point I will have learned to be master of the
Mind, meaning I will have extinguished the craving,
grasping, scheming, greedy, delusional hate filled weasel
that the Ego uses like Dracula used Renfield.

I will be just the same, but as one Zen master remarked;
"2 inches off the ground", unburdened of those afflictive
components, the elements of being formally called
"skandhas" that are the cursed ballast of the person
who has once again found themselves incarnated in
Samsara.

I am betting that will be nice.

But I fear that one piece of the psyche is going to be
a problem that I am not sure can be dealt with, and
so far I have not encountered any wisdom teacher that
has given me and idea about what I might do when
the time comes to focus my "lamp light" there.

I have heard it called the "limbic node", the "primordial
Mind", or the "beast within"., and I am sure there are
more names than I can come up with to adequetely
describe it.

It's the Mind that is ruled by instinct and is beyond
conditioning, programming, or tinkering, for it is the
ancient core of our circuitry, going back beyond the
dinosaurs, to that part of our DNA that was evolved
through the lives of creatures that existed only to
feed, and reproduce.

New Age therapists might call it ,"owning the shadow",
and I agree that full maturity and it's ongoing process
will demand the conscious being face this dusky, smelly,
basement were the slithery, oozy, nasty primordial
Mind resides.

None of us in our artificial, womb to tomb, consume
and excrete society fully realize what is hiding in the
swampy cesspool of our consciousness, but it certainly
comes out whether we like it or not, and if you look
at history, and even current events it's not hard to
see how suppressing these forces leads to unfortunate
consequences.

Don't blame it on devils, and exterior agencies that
conspire to do evil to mankind. All phenomena arise
from our Minds, including the thoughts and feelings
that we would rather not admit.

Your heart contains a monster, and you can deal with
it properly, or ignore it at your peril!!!.

Rain and Wind as Dharma teachers.

Today in Philly we got a burst of soaking rain and a
north /south wind that made my shaven head actually hurt.
Umbrellas are normally useless in Philly so I just work
my Mind up to be accepting of the sogginess.


I struggled today, somehow the weather and my
"interior' atmosphere merged and were one. I walked
around the city with a Mind full of activity, a swarm of
afflictive thoughts drained my energy and when I got
to work I was exhausted.

Mindfulness practice was not in my favor today.

But still the Mind was given it's "bare attention", and
I got going at work and the "beehive" toned itself down.

I remembered a quote left in my yearbook from 20 or
so years ago:

" the rain comes down on the lake but the ducks swim
happily".

That's great for the ducks, they are not cursed with a
self-reflective consciousness, knowledge of birth and
death, old age and suffering.

Harsh weather is the time when I really practice the
Dharma, so at some point I have the sense to express
gratitude for the temporary conditions of rain, wind,
snow, sleet, scorching sun, and the legendary humidity
of August in Philly.

Equanamity, one of the Brahmaviharas, is attended to,
I learn to become " undisturbed by the flow of events",
and think of how the master's of old would not be
annoyed by today's weather.

I walk in their footsteps and suffer the same in order
to purify the Mind and apprehend the Way.

Cloud Cover in the Mind.

I usually spend an hour at a time or more in meditation , and I am
noticing just how thick the layer of thoughts, memories, and mental
signals is that "orbits" the Mind...when I was sitting for just 20 minutes
or so I thought I had been really going deep.

Just when I think I have penetrated one layer, another strata appears.

Alan Watts tells me in the ,"Way of Liberation", that zazen, or sitting
meditation is an artform, the art of centering, of sitting still and doing
nothing but that.

What am I creating?

I entertain the notion that I am creating a new,"self", but knowing that
the Self has no inherent existence I find the object to be in constant
transformation.

An insight came to me that I am involved in a staring contest with the
Ego, all day, as I am constantly reminding myself to be in the "present
moment".,,and the Ego reminds itself to be focused on ,"memories and
expectations".

While sitting I am allowing a lamp to radiate it's glow outwards, but the
Ego seeks to snuff it out in favor of it's own artificial light.

I have heard this as being the practice of "silent illumination".

Who is silent?, Where is the light coming from? What is being illuminated?

Alan Watts also mentions the sanskrit word,"lilla" or "play"., so I am seeing
my meditation practice as a game.

Buddha Nature -vs- Ego( false conception of self).

More thoughts on Buddhist practice

These are some recent posts from the Myspace Blog.


I have come across certain opinions over the years that Buddhism
is a philosophy for the weak, for those who like to do nothing, and
the folks who follow it's teachings are pessimistic and nihilist.
No,no,no.......

The Buddha taught just before his death, " to be a lamp unto yourselves",
and beyond that one instanc